"I have gone to the summerland to grow young"............Jeff

This memorial website was created in the memory of our husband, father, son, brother and friend, Jeffrey Dale Harward. Jeff was born in Provo, Utah on March 13, 1957 and passed away on July 16, 2006 in San Diego, CA at the age of 49. Jeff chose to end his suffering after a lifetime of untold suffering with clinical depression. We will remember him forever as the kind, compassionate, generous man who loved music, the hispanic culture, gardening, friends and most importantly his family.  Above all, we will not let Jeff's death be hidden in shame for there is nothing to be ashamed of except of our ignorance of the disease of depression and suicidal ideation.

Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live.

by Charles Caleb Colton 

Background music is Jeff playing Classical Gas the first piece he learned to play on the piano. Jeff asked his mom to teach him how to play it. She thought he was nuts but proceeded to teach him one bar at a time. He never got tired of playing it. Jeff was a gifted muscian. He could play music by ear which made it very diffiicult for him to learn to read and write music, but he did learn how. Jeff wrote a lot of music. He could hear the song in his head, which would include all the instrumentals, not just the keyboard. He was a fanatic about counting the notes. I can still hear him saying to his best friend Jack, "god damn it Jack, you have to learn to count!" Jeff could also play the guitar and the flute. He had several flutes made of all kinds of things like wood, glass, and of course an actual flute.

Hi Dawn,

I copied this message to your home email in case you haven't time to read it at work.

I can't really explain that expression I used, "wounded" - it's a feeling i have. Like I'm bleeding heavily from my soul. I wish I could clarify more..... I could thrash about looking for a "why" sort of explaination, a causal explanation, but I doubt very much that it would explain what the expression means.

Jack told me this last weekend that the best description he could put to his perception of me when he saw me prior to this last visit, he me as "dead man walking". That's how I've felt.

Wish I could be more help in your understanding, but I don't have words.

-Jeff

July 05, 2006

Heaven's Gift to Us  2008

When our children were young we lost numerous pets to untimely deaths. Jeff used to tell the kids that they had gone to the summerland to grow young. The summerland is from the Wiccan religious tradition (witchcraft), which Jeff joined in the summer of 1985. Jeff told me that he always felt that the tree's had spirits and that he could feel them. As a child he thought that there was something wrong with him because he did not know anyone else who could feel the spirits of the trees.  When he came upon the Wiccan Religion he finally felt that he was not alone in this world. There were others that knew that the earth and everything on it was a living organism with a spirit.  This is why Jeff loved the natural world. When he was gardening he was taking care of and honoring the earth mother. Sure he loved plants, but to him it was much more than just a plant. It was an amazing living organism that has a spirit and an important place in the earth's eco system. Nature and the love of it was Jeff's religious/spiritual belief system, not just a hobby. If you want to know more about Jeff's spiritual beliefs  begin by reading Starhawk's, "The Spiral Dance." The glow of 1985 that he often spoke of was the result of a spiritual awakening that came after a long difficult episode with major depressive disorder.  When Jeff found Wicca it was a life saver for all of us. Wicca added meaning to his life which  turned his depression around.  He finally pulled out of the depressive spiral by the summer of 1987 which had begun in late 1984.

This youtube link is to a lullaby that Jeff used to play for the kids. The song is from a CD entitled Enchantress Gypsy. When we would go on vacations we would listen to this tape and the kids would sing along. Listening to this cd makes our hearts smile.

Wiccan Lullaby by the GYPSY ENCHANTRESS

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XFgiYHJahio&feature=related

When Jeff was a boy he came across the book called the"Hobbit," by JR Tolkein and then he found the "Lord of the Rings." These books were his escape from his reality. He read them over and over. He used to wear a ring for years that he had inscribed with "one ring to rule them all." He lost it somewhere along the way and he was devasted. As I read his journals and ponder the many conversations we had over the years, Jeff had come to believe that he belonged in a more primordal time. He used to say exactly that. I got to thinking thathe used these books to his escape from reality, it was his way of dealing with his feelings of aloneness and failed belongingness. This is not a commentary on his family of origin, it is more about Jeff and how he interpreted the world around him. Jeff wrote in his journals about being the shaman and how he was not meant for this time and place. In his journals he used the Tolkein script to keep his private thoughts private. I now know that he used it to hide his illness. Jeff would still become a part of the land of the hobbits in his mind when life became too stressful.

I sometimes try to imagine a small boy feeling all alone in the world sitting in the corner reading these amazing books and daydreaming of a life anywhere but where he was at. It is not so uncommon for children to do that. I wonder sometimes what it was about Jeff that made him feel so alone, detached and well, alien. What was it that kept Jeff from forming heathly bonds with his family and friends. It was not like Jeff was not around, he was, but he was always on the fringe, keeping a safe distance most the time. He did love his family, parents and friends, we all knew it, but when Jeff wanted his space he broke out what we used to call his "evil aura" to keep us at a distance. We used to tease him about it and he humored us. There are a lot of people that thought they knew him, and that includes me, but in the end, Jeff did not even understand himself. His journal writings are not about how everyone made him unhappy. His writings are conversations with himself and about himself and his drive to be accepted and feel worthy of his accomplishments. He also talks about his on going depression. When Jeff did mention his own little family he spoke of how much he loved them. One of the most telling things I read in his journal was this, "things feel really fucked up, but they are not fucked up. I wonder if I am not on the verge of another trip to the psych unit." Jeff's writings were about Jeff and his own inner world and no one was privy to Jeff's inner world.

Here is another of Jeff's favorite songs. He told me he saw himself in this song. I thought I understood, but I had no idea the depth of meaning behind his love of this song.

The GUESS WHO, Behind Blue Eyes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_1RqyNdzbE

I know that no one wants to hear this story, but it is the story, and it does not make Jeff any less of a man or a bad person. This is what makes the story all the more tragic. Jeff was a great person and we are all better off for having known him. Jeff has left a big hole in all of our lives and frankly, I don't want anyone or anything to fill the void.

With all that I have come to know, it is nothing short of a miracle that Jeff lived to be 49 years old. With all that I did know, and I knew a lot, I knew nothing of the man who lived in his journals. A lonely, insecure and very intelligent man who just wanted to fit in and be happy. Who felt unworthy of his accomplishments and a fraud. I did know that Jeff had these issues but I was lead to believe that he had overcome them. Jeff struggled everyday to justify living. I don't think that Jeff really knew what it was like to be happy. No, I know he did not know what it was like to be truly happy.  The disorder of depression is saddness and relentless unhappiness the likes of which most of us will never know.  Major depressive disorder is often a terminal disease.  With depression there are bad days and worse days. A Good day for the depresssed person is waking up in the morning and feeling like you may want to live another day as opposed to wondering why you have to put up with life for one more day.

Those of us who are fortunate enough to wake up happy everyday should give thanks to the powers that be that we can wake up feeling good.  Depression is a slow, painful, ugly disease. For some reason, people seem to think of the brain as something other than another organ in our bodies. The brain can and does become diseased and disordered not unlike a malfunctioning computer until well, it crashes. Having mental illness is not a weakness in character. Jeff had character and strength of mind. If he did not he would not of lived as long as he did. Not to mention he would not of fashioned his suicide around a plan to take care of his family when he was gone. This meant that for two years from the time Jeff wrote and instituted his plan, he got up and talked himself into living for just one more day and he did what ever it took to do that.

So many people have said to me that Jeff had everything to live for and all that they had ever wanted in their own lives he had. How and why then would he chose to end his life? The answer is in the question.  His brain was diseased and his ability to reason and make decisions based in reality were gone. He was having trouble separating reality from delusion. His mind had fractured.  People who go mad do not usually appear to be so and they can and do fool people for a long time. There is a chance that if Jeff had been living at home and close to his longtime friends and family his deteriorating state of mind would of been discovered soon enough to have made a difference in the outcome. However, Jeff did not come home, because he knew that he had lost his sanity and this is documented. Because Jeff was very concerned about his image he would not of wanted any of us to know who and what he had become. Truth is, he felt that he would of rather be dead than lose his mind. This was an opinion that he had expressed to me on many occassions. He also felt that his intellect was the only thing he had to offer this world. If his brain let him down there would be no purpose for in Jeff's mind to continue living if he was no longer of value to us or anyone else.

 It is my hope that everyone who knew Jeff or reads this memorial page will gain some compassion and understanding for those in our world who suffer in silence.  These wounded souls walk among us everyday. Are they your sister, brother, mother, dad, spouse, child? I remember a conversation I had with Jeff the last day that I saw him alive. I was sitting with him on our front porch when he said to me, "the feeling I get is that I am wounded, like I am bleeding form my soul." When I pressed him for an explaination he said, "Jack described me as a dead man walking, that is how I feel."

One of Jeff's all-time favorite bands was RUSH. Take the time to watch this youtube video. You won't be disappointed. The lyrics to this song would often move Jeff to tears.

The song is called The Trees, by RUSH.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWHEcIbhDiw

I hope that life is treating you all well. Life as I knew has changed, but  new and exciting things that lay ahead for me as a forge ahead with my new life.

Thanks for all of you love and continued support.

I love and miss you all!

Dawn 2008

I got to thinking about all the songs Jeff used to love and were dear to his heart and I discovered that most of the songs he listened to told his story. Such as the Guess Who's "No one knows what its like, to be the sad man, to be the bad man, behind blue eyes."  The first night I met Jeff, he took me to his apartment to listen to the new Genisis album, "And Then There Were Three".  The song he played for me and it became our song, was UNDERTOW. I gave him a bracelet that was inscribed with "the dangers past, you need not feel the icy blast again." We laid on the floor of his apartment, in the dark, after a minute or two, I looked over at him and he had tears streaming down his face." That was the man I loved! The tender hearted  gifted poet and musician who loved deeply and passionately and by his own admission, was not suited for the harsh realities of this life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJpydH-lcsI

Be and sure to check out Faust and Jeff's song in progress under the audio selections. Unfortunately when Jeff's keyboard and full development system were kept from us during all the insanity we lost all of the music he had recorded and saved. What a tragedy.

 

I update Jeff's site on his birth date and on his death date. I have used Jeff's site as a way to heal my loss and educate our friends and family about suicide. Originally I pissed off a few people, but I always thought the truth should be told. My goal was never to dishonor Jeff, but rather to honor him in death by saying that a good man died because of our ignorance. Truth is we are as much victims of an ignorant society as our loves ones were. We should take our grief and get pissed off that in the year 2008 suicide is still treated like the damned stone ages. Suicide has reached epidemic porportions and we are still not talking about it. Talk about insanity. What about how we are treated? Are we not unlike the women who were cast out of their villages and lost all they had as punishment for what their mate did? I know everyone is not like me and I would be lying if I said that I don't have days where I would just as soon disappear than live with Jeff's legacy. I am just suggesting that there is strength in numbers.Our voices need to be heard and our stories need to be told. Auriel said to me one day, "mom if we don't talk about what happened to dad we become an accessory to his choosing to take his life.". Think on that for a while. If someone else took his life we would be held accountable for withholding information that may solve the crime. Definitely food for thought.

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.

"Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either resist or you yield. Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise and loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life".  Eckhart Tolle

Please consider making a donation to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and help save another family from loosing their, husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, friend to the the "disease" of suicide.

I Am Alive




I am alive

I may have lost my brother, my sister, my parent, my child, my spouse, my
friend
But I am a survivor of the long dark night
Of unspeakable loss,
The unbearable pain of my own darkness,
And, I am alive.

I am unwilling to stand idly by
And allow shame to defeat love
Or silence to defeat action.
I stand for the enlightenment of a society
That would hide from suicide,
That would avoid, that would pretend,
And I am alive.

I am unwilling for my perseverance
To be in vain,
Unwilling for the passing of my loved one
To be in shame.
I loved them more than I loved myself,
And their life will have meaning
In my action.
I am resolved,
And I am alive.

In a world blinded by the pursuit of pleasure,
I am here to say
That people are in pain.

In a world rushing to get ahead,
I am here to say
That people are being left behind.

In a world obsessed with the value of the market,
I am here to speak
For the value of life,
And I am alive.

This will be no quiet fight,
For I am the voice of audacity
In the face of apathy.

I am the spirit of bravery
In a word of action.
I am a commitment to action
In the face of neutrality.

I am out of the darkness.
I am into the light.
And I ---
I am alive.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
--Helen Keller

Jeff left behind the fool card from his tarot card. He had always said that he found himself in that card. I was asked recently what the fool card meant so I went and spoke with a 3rd generation mystic who told me about the card. The fool card is a great card according to the mystic. The fool card represents letting go and letting god for lack of a better way to put it. The dogs are symbolic of the things that keep you from just letting go and trusting that the universe will take care of you. It represents change. She used an example from the third RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, where Shaun Connery's character has to let go in a dangerous position with no obvious way out and trust that he will somehow be rescued and as he does a bridge appears that allows him to cross the crevice to safety on the otherside. 

This is part of a I/M Exchange with Jeff 4 days before he took his life.

jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:48:03 PM): don't care about much anymore.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:48:17 PM): been barely hanging on for so long.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:48:19 PM): You still want to just die huh?
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:48:35 PM): don't even have heart for that.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:48:40 PM): just don't care.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:48:52 PM): Is that why you don't go to the doctor?
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:48:59 PM): yep. don't care.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:49:13 PM): too much disappointment to bear.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:49:18 PM): I'm not strong.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:49:26 PM): Only because you believe that
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:49:37 PM): brb
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:49:38 PM): k
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:50:49 PM): Who taught you that you were not strong?
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:54:20 PM): back
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:54:34 PM): well, not strong enough, anyway.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:54:52 PM): where did you first hear that
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:55:04 PM): dunno
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:55:07 PM): or when did you first remember thinking that
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:55:17 PM): young
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:55:29 PM): Kids at school?
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:55:45 PM): did your mom think you were fragile?
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:55:46 PM): probably.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:57:02 PM): You may feel week right now, but what you have done in your life does not reflect weakness
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:57:25 PM): I know you don't believe that....does not matter what I say
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:57:31 PM): it reflects cleverness.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:57:34 PM): not wisdom
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:57:38 PM): not intelligence.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:57:46 PM): just cleverness, and perhaps tenacity.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:57:57 PM): even so, what is wrong with that
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:58:22 PM): because cleverness doesn't address reality.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:58:34 PM): it takes reality on it's face.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:58:41 PM): and that is not reality at all.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 9:58:49 PM): interesting thought
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:59:07 PM): cleverness only operates over its own domain.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:59:21 PM): in my case, electronics and software.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:59:36 PM): not the fundemental realities of life.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:59:44 PM): in that, I have always been self-deluded.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 9:59:50 PM): wishful thinking.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:00:31 PM): If, and I mean if all that is true, isn't it possible to learn to be different.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:00:43 PM): i am trying to learn.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:00:44 PM): You seem to be able to do that with other things
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:00:59 PM): So its a matter of making it a priorty
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:01:11 PM): learning is fun when it is an endevour into wonderous things.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:01:23 PM): learning of real life only makes my cynical.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:01:32 PM): makes _me_
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:01:39 PM): not fun.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:01:40 PM): i see
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:02:12 PM): When you are talking, I picture that tarot card of the guy on the edge
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:02:22 PM): The Fool.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:02:24 PM): yes.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:02:26 PM): that's me.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:02:34 PM): card #0.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:02:50 PM): What is the positive interpretation of that card?
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:03:02 PM): wistfulness, fancy.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:03:20 PM): the dog is barking at him, warning him away from the edge.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:03:38 PM): and he's just whistling away, walking, looking up at the sky, not paying any attention.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:03:52 PM): What do you think when you see that card?
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:03:55 PM): me.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:03:58 PM): i see me.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:04:11 PM): I see you too
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:04:18 PM): there ya go.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:04:21 PM): Wow
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:04:42 PM): So the way I understand reading the cards
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:04:49 PM): and I don't claim to know
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:05:15 PM): Is your supposed to take that info and use it for learning
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:05:44 PM): reading the cards is initially a work of interpretation.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:05:51 PM): ah
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:06:06 PM): supposedly, once one is sufficiently practiced, it becomes an intuitive operation.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:06:16 PM): yes
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:06:50 PM): Humor me for a sec and see if you can think of things that are good about that card?
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:07:01 PM): I have one....
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:07:06 PM): cool outfit!
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:07:38 PM): the good things?
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:07:44 PM): yes
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:07:47 PM): not in the right frame of mind for that.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:07:57 PM): Maybe you could give it some thought.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:08:16 PM): what comes to mind that's good about it is that that stupid fucker is about to walk off the cliff.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:08:31 PM): yes. But......he does not have to
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:08:42 PM): the dogs are warning him
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:08:47 PM): i think it's inevitable.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:09:01 PM): oh, you and you stinkin thinkin
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:09:56 PM): "stinkin thinkin" is stuart smally.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:10:10 PM): al franken's parody of a psychology patient.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:10:15 PM): I remember
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:10:23 PM): it was funny!
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:10:45 PM): yes, and i'm good enough, smart enough and doggonit, people like me.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:10:48 PM): brb
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:10:56 PM): All true!
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:19:47 PM): back
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:20:37 PM): I know nothing I can say or do can change the way you feel about anything
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:21:40 PM): I just want you to know that I do care about you and wish you were not so sad and unhappy.,
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:21:54 PM): k
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:22:16 PM): The only person who can help you is you.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:22:30 PM): yeah
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:22:47 PM): well, the more i learn, the less there is to be happy about.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:23:36 PM): my view, of course.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:23:57 PM): I am sorry to hear you feel that way
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:24:13 PM): it's not a feeling. it's just a stark look at reality.
jeff jeff (7/12/2006 10:25:00 PM): I'm paying attention to the dog barking and wishing that he wasn't there.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:25:21 PM): I can see why you would feel that way.
Dawn Harward (7/12/2006 10:26:27 PM): I can't understand, but I can see why you would feel that way