 Timeline |
|
|
|
| |
| NOW |
|
|
|
 |
THIS PAGE CONTAINS INFORMATION THAT SOME MAY FIND OFFENSIVE OR NOT APPROPRIATE FOR A MEMORY WEB PAGE. THE PURPOSE OF THIS PAGE IS TO HELP THOSE INTERESTED IN FINDING THEIR TRUTH.
FOR MORE INFORMATION ON SUICIDE VISIT THE AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUIDIDE PREVENTION ONLINE.
THIS PAGE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION AS INFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE.
THIS INFORMATION HAS BEEN RESEARCHED AND VERIFIED FROM A NUMBER OF SOURCES, MOST NOTABLY JEFF'S JOURNALS* AND HIS HIS EMAILS. I HAVE ALSO USED INFORMATION THAT HAS BEEN OBTAINED FROM OTHER SOURCES AND PUT UP AGAINST HIS JOURNAL WRITINGS. IN ADDITION, MY FIRST HAND ACCOUNT OF MY EXPERIENCE WITH JEFF OVER THE PAST 30 YEARS.
BECAUSE JEFF DIED BY HIS OWN HAND, I HAVE BEEN BARRAGED BY MANY QUESTIONS AS TO WHAT MAY HAVE LED TO HIS ULITIMATE DECISION TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE. I NO LONGER WANT TO FIELD THESE QUESTIONS AND THIS WEBSITE HOPEFULLY WILL GIVE YOU WHAT IT IS THAT YOU MAY BE SEARCHING FOR TO REACH YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.
TO QUOTE JEFF, "YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE." (APRIL 2006)
*NOTE: Jeff kept journals the entire time I knew him. I never looked in them until after his death. At one point we burned about 30 of them after his first inpatient stay for depression and suicidal ideation.
In his journals, he sometimes used english, he would sometimes use the Tolkien script and in the last few years he used mind mapping. Mind mapping is a more visual approach where you use symbols and different colors and so forth. He was so excited about the concept of mind mapping he shared it with everyone. We all have a copy of his favorite book on mindmapping. His drawings are really fun to look at and represent mostly happy times.
|
|
| |
| July 17-31, 2006 |
|
|
|
|
Now what to do. The kids want to go to San Diego and see their father. I am not sure if that will be possible. Jeff's death is to be investigated as a homicide first and it reguires a full autopsy. I called the SD Medical Examiners office to see if going to see Jeff is realistic. He told me he maybe able to keep it to 5 days. He also told me to have the kids send copies of their suicide notes and it will help expedite Jeff's release. He told me Jeff may be ok for the kids to view.
In the meantime, Jeff's best friend Jack called and told me he would be going with me. This was not a question. Jack and I have been friends for even longer than he and Jeff. I was happy he was going with us. Jack and I had been thru Jeff's depressive episodes before. When I would say, Jeff is feeling depressed, Jack would ask, "how many years has it been?" Jeff depressive episodes cycled pretty close to every seven years. It took him as long as three years to cycle thru it. When Jeff was hospitalized for being suicidal, Jack was there for Jeff and with me. It was appropriate for him to be there now.
In December of 2003 my mother passed away. On the way home the subject of what Jeff and I wanted done with our bodies after we died came up. We went on and on while the kids listened. Both of us thought creamation was the way to go, eocologically friendly, I want to be sahauro cactus food and Jeff he wanted to have a Mexican Fiesta and show all his friends one last good time. Jason, a man of few words, piped up from the back seat, he said, "tough shit dad, when your dead your dead. We get to do whatever helps us get thru your loss!" We were taken back and then we all laughed. Jeff said, "I think he is right." Jason prefers burial, he has always liked going to the cemetary on Memorial Day with me.
There was no debate when the time came over creamation, it was their dad and they were going to honor his request. If they had insisted on burial I would of let them do it, but no, when it came down to it, they wanted to do what their dad wanted. I am glad they did.
Because of logistics and circumstances, retrival of Jeff's remains and his belongings was very difficult. We had a short period of time to do it in, a lot of miles to cover and a medical examiner who gets to take as long as it takes. Also, having Jeff's remains taken for cremation, another thing that takes more time than you would think. In between times, we had to go to Sony to retrieve his belongings and then we had to go to the SD police impound to pick up Jeff's jeep.
When we arrived at Sony, we had to go to the main office in the building just east of the building Jeff actually worked in. We had been given a name before we went of who to request once we got there. They had us wait in a room with a large conference table and offered us refreshment. Little did we know we were going to need it. There was more paperwork to be filled out. Then we waited some more. Everyone at Sony was so kind. After about 30 minutes, out came some people pulling a couple of carts. On these carts were all of Jeff's things from his office. A picture of me in Cancun, a picture of us in Guatamala, a picture of each of his kids. Tons of books and plenty of personal items, including a fold out cot for sleeping. I kept thinking...where is blue fish, I want blue fish, what happened to blue fish. I had given that to him to keep him company the first month he lived there. That fish loved him and he loved that fish. When we went outside to take Jeff's things to the car, one of the carts slipped and everything began to slide off it. In a matter of minutes the ground surrounding the cart was covered with packages filled with gifts and love notes from a women in PA. Lindsey picked up a small box and found both of Jeff's wedding rings which he claimed to have lost. He had worn the one ring up until December, his favorite one. I lost it. It is safe to say I made a scene in the parking lot. Well and everyone else was horrified including Jack. He said from "from now on, Jason and I are going to look thru things first." He said it was part of the "what happens on the mountain stays on the mountain.", the truck brothers slogan. Of course, I could not just leave it alone nor could the girls. When we returned to the hotel that night. Jack sat in silence away from the rest of us. I remember thinking, Jack feels betrayed too and at a loss at to what had happened to his friend Jeff.
When I went inside the impound there was a long empty hall that echoed when you walked. Way down at the end you could hear people going in and out of the bathrooms. To the left was a little window where the receptionist sat. I waited out front at a big table surrounded by chairs. I was afraid to wonder what they were really for. When you retrieve a car from the impound they don't care what was in the car. They do nothing to protect what might have of been in the car. They make you fill out a bunch of paperwork and take you out to look at it. The city of SD uses private contractors to bring in the impounded cars, so who knows what may have been in there. The investigating detective did not take inventory of what was in the car either. By the time we met with him, he could not remember what may have been in the car that lead him to the conclusion that Jeff was living out of his car and his office.
When we opened the rear hatch, we found the back seat of his jeep and behind the seat full of empty alcohol bottles, juice containers and different types of containers for beverages. Also, there were some towels, personal items, clothes and such strewn about. There was a giant bag of change on the floor of the front seat. Sitting on the passenger seat was a new bottle of vodka, top shelf, and a couple of containers of orange juice. The vodka had been opened and about a third of it was gone.When Jason started the jeep, Crosby,Stills, Nash and Young was cranked up in the CD player. "Almost cut my hair....happened just the other day.....I wondered what he was thinking or if he was thinking at all when he drove west towards the ocean.
We went and met with the Detective who was first on the scene to retrieve more of Jeff's belongings. These were things taken from the crime scene for investigative purposes. Again, life slowed down to a disturbing crawl. He brought out an itemized list of all the things he had. He picked up Jeff's back pack and slowly took everything out one by one. We all watched. It was a round table. Brown. Ok, now it seems like we are in dragnet or something, is this real. I knew it was real when he took out Jeff's wallet and out fell the picture of me at 19. My dad gave it to him and there it was. It was me looking like I had seen a few miles, but out it fell. Still in his wallet after all these years. About ripped my heart out. The officer checks it off his list and on to the next item. Jeff had been reduced to a checklist of items. Am I alive?
We went not once but twice to retrieve Jeff's belongings from Andrea's house where he rented a room. Both times we requested a police escort. The police did not show up for three hours the first time and they never showed up at all the second time. All of us decided to go to Andrea's door. She was expecting us. We were never allowed to go in the house. We sat on her lawn while we tried to find out what had been going on. Meanwhile, we got a hold of a man named Steve who Jeff had supposedly moved in with (he had paid 1700.) to do it. He chose to bring what things he had at his home to Andrea's. Steve told me that Jeff had never really stayed there, maybe a couple of nights. They were left at the end of her drive. We picked them up, journals, clothing, CD's that was pretty much it. No guitar, keyboard, computer, the list goes on. Sitting on top of one of the boxes was a bag from Barnes and Boble. I could not resist opening it. I looked inside and then I fell apart. Inside the bag was a large expensive book called "Peter Maxx". In that moment, I felt the love he had for me. He had wanted to purchase that book for me on a number of occassions. I had presuaded him not to. I thought it was far to expensive. I am a bargain hunter, I could never justify the expense. I am so glad that it was left behind. I want to believe it was laying out on top for a reason. I am pretty sure that had anyone else known what importance that book held it would not of been there. It was a ray of sunshine. Like all the other stops in our journey, this visit revealed more shocking revelations. That night when we got back to the hotel, Jack went to his corner table and had a drink, now the kids and I were having drinks too. We sat in the hot tub and pretended to be normal.
The second visit to Andrea yielded nothing. Andrea's story would change everytime we talked with her. The kids caught her in a lie more than once. I am sure she did not know what to think. All she could say, was "I can't believe all the lies." She said it over and over. I think she is smart. She figured out pretty quickly that she was in the middle of something that was weird at best and really f'd up at worst.
In between our visits to Andrea's house, we got the call that Jeff was being released and his body would be available for us to view on Thursday morning. It was a quiet drive to La Mesa.
The mortuary was a cold and bare and it had a unpleasant smell. We waited. We were early. The mortician brought out papers for me to sign releasing his body for cremation. It said relationship to deceased, I thought I was going die. WIDOW. The word just hung in air. Old people are widows.
Finally they came and told us Jeff's body was ready for us. I turned to Jack and said "this is no time to be a man's man, if you feel the need to cry, go ahead and do it, we won' t be a thinkin your a wienie."He gave me his boyish grin.
We all went in together. He was in a body bag. Only his face was exposed. We could only see a bit of his hair. He was so cold. His face looked peaceful, all the stress and bloating was gone. We all wept, it all seemed so dreamlike. He had finally completed suicide, something we had hoped would never happen, but none of us there were surprised. We were hurt, angry, disappointed but not surprised.
Each of us took time alone with him while the others waited outside. One by one we went in. We came out. I took Jason with me. We all just sat there feeling disassociated from reality. Lindsey went in, a few minutes later we heard her in there singing to him all the songs he taught her as a child. Jack broke down, then we all broke down. We all went back in together and then one by one we left the room knowing that our lives had been changed forever. The way we looked at the world changed forever.
In between all of this we are planning a memorial service and a Mexican Fiesta. Unbeknownst to us, Jeffs family of origin is planning one too, at the same time, on the same day. We put together the memorial at a mortuary to try to accomodate their needs, while trying to honor Jeff's wishes and have a fiesta. I just wanted to curl up somewhere and die. I had just had the worst two weeks of my life. Why would anyone plan a funeral over the top of the one the wife and family had planned? I shake my head and I wonder....what is the story they were told?
Meanwhile there are deadlines for obituaries, programs deposits, flowers, phone calls, and people just stopping by.
I started to hate having flowers delivered. I started to hate flowers period. I had worked really hard to keep Jeff's garden up for him and for what?
Everyone at Sony is in a state of shock. There were grief counselors and all kinds of other damage control measures. Jeffs friend and boss, Steve is deeply affected. He tells me he had seen the helium set the entire time they were in that office. Sony made policy changes that included no locking doors all offices have to have windows. A tropical flower garden was planted in his honor.
What had happened to the man we all knew. In the days following his death and for many weeks to come the story will continue to unfold. I will never forget how many times I looked over at Jack as we were finding out all kinds of things we did not know or want to believe and thought, he looks whiter than I do. At one point, I turned to Jack and said "his mind fractured." and he agreed. Jeff had been showing different faces and personas to different people. Everyone knew someone different, our minds were reeling. If felt and it feels as if we were loosing our minds. To handle our shock and disbelief we often made jokes about Jeff being in the cat box. He hated cats and he really hated cat boxes. Jack would say, "oh boy, Jeff's in the cat box" and we would all laugh! It was better than crying.
Some people believe that somehow I had enough personal power to seduce Jeff into killing himself. Give me a break. Get educated. The will to live is something we are born with, most of us fight to live, people who become suicidal are indifferent at best about living. Everyday is a struggle. Put that together with alcohol, depression, drug abuse, stress and a midlife crisis and you got something really ugly. Read a book or twelve.
|
|
| |
| jULY 16th, 2006 |
|
|
|
|
Passed away on July 16, 2006 at the age of 49.
Jeff took his own life in San Diego, CA, following what was supposed to be a one year stay at Sony Entertainment. He was found in his office 4 hours after he sent suicide notes to his children. The same note.
The weekend before Jeff's passing, I had given him an ultimatum. I told him that he needed to go get some help or I was going to have to let some people know at work he was suicidal. I was desperate. Someone in CA needed to know he was in trouble. He was very angry that I would want to destroy his career. Now, this was not about his career, it was about getting him help. Jeff went in Monday of that week and filed for a divorce and then re-thought it.
Also there was the issue of Andrea. Jeff had told me that he had broken up with Andrea and that he was having trouble getting out of it. In his notes he said, "will she become the huntress?", he also wondered aloud if she would destroy or keep his property. He said she was mean. So in another effort to force him to go get help, I told him I could file an alienation of affection lawsuit against Andrea and that I would do it if he did not go seek some help. Again, this made him very angry.
I would of never hurt him.
Jeff talked to me by instant messaging on monday, tuesday and wednesday of that week, that was the last time I spoke to him. The last thing he talked to me was about the tarot card called the fool. He said he was the fool and how he wished that the dogs, which are also on the card to warn of danger, would leave him alone and let the dump fuck just fall. According to Jeff's friend Juele, Andrea found the fool card on the night stand near her bed.
I spoke with Jeff the morning of the 16th, but I had not talked to him for 3 days prior to that. I felt he had become homicidal. He threatened my safety via email at Principal Financial...which cost me my job because of security issues. I took the emails to an attorney and I filed for a protective order. He tried to reach me by speed dialing for all three days and I did not answer. Jeff did leave a message on on Saturday offering an apology, which I did not respond to. Sunday morning Jason thought I should answer the phone or he was just going to keep calling, at which time I told him I filed for divorce. Jeff called Jason and Jason was not home. Jason's then girlfriend told me to have Jeff email Jason and that is what I did. Jeff responded with the suicide note.
I had gone to the store with Lindsey and my friend Jody, when I got a phone call from Jason. He told me that he had got a suicide note. I ran and got Lindsey and then Jody. I said, "we have got to go now!" I told Jody, Jeff sent a suicide note to the kids! We have got to go now!" she said, "he has said he was going to do it before, I am sure he is ok, I said no....this is different...we have to go now!!!" I told Jason to have Kaley call Andrea and see if she knew where he might be and that I was on my way home. I knew in my heart, this was it. That horrible moment that I had given thought to on and off for nearly 30 years. I remembered the first time I knew that he may actually do it like it was yesterday. I insisted that I go to school after I saw him go catatonic right after he had a depressive rage in 1986. Auriel was just a baby.
Jason and Kaley notified the San Diego Police. The police looked for him for two hours. Meanwhile, we contacted Andrea, whom Jeff had been living with and she was the one who found him in his office at Sony Entertainment.
The San Diego police first investigated his death as a homicide, and it was ruled a suicide after an full autopsy. The SD medical examiner closed the case when the kids forwarded copies of their suicide note to them. The SD police department, told me it looked like he had been living at work and out of his jeep. He also commented on how many different antidepressants he had sitting around. The SD police department also found 500.00 cash in his pocket. The rear of his jeep was full of empty vodka bottles, orange juice containers and a number of different beverage containers. The result of the autopsy revealed a number of drugs in his system and he was legally drunk at the time of his death.
We were able to retrieve some of Jeff personal belongings from various locations, but most of his things, including his much loved keyboard and his computer system are still missing. I hired an attorney to retrieve his belongings, but to no avail. His guitar was retrieved when another friend of his told me he had been hiding things in Andrea's attic. Both the kids and I were elated. The guitar was bought 3 days before Auriel was born and it had been a very important part of all of our lives.
Many have asked me how he did it, he used a helium ballon kit purchased online in the fall of 2004. He died by asphyxiation. He used alcohol and xanax to find the courage and then he ran rubber tubing to two 5 gallons tanks of helium. The hose was ran up into a bag, which was placed over his head (the bag was from Reams, where he bought jeans when he came home to Utah) and secured at the bottom by the pull tie on the bag. He exhaled all the oxygen and took a deep breath, he fell asleep with in about 2 to 3 minutes. It only takes about 3 to 5 minutes to be brain dead. The body goes into convulsions for oxygen, but you are asleep so you don't feel it. The police say it is a pretty peaceful death and a very common way to die since the book "The Final Exit" was published. I found a zip file that he had sent from his home computer to his yahoo account. The address bar read, "for real this time." He sent it on December 7th, 2004. In the zip files was a list of the things he needed to purchase for his suicide. First there was the book "The Final Exit", a list of the items he needed outlined in the book and a copy of his life insurance policy. In addition, there were copies of 11 I/M messages from the women he had been talking to online and a another page from a chat room from a online ex-mormon web site. (dates of communication, August 2004. Jeff followed the instruction provided in the book "The Final Exit". Jeff and I had talked extensively about the right to die over the years. He always believed you should be able to choose your dying. This book is recommended by the Hemlock society web page for those interested in "self deliverance". I know Jeff had talked to his parent's about the right to die on many occassions as well. In addition, Jeff had made notes that drugs and alcohol would make it easier to do. He also wrote about things he had done that had forced the suicide, he actually called it the T (termination). The "T" always had a double bar leg. Terminations sounds so cold and matter of fact.
Jeff had a very detailed suicide plan. This he had written in notebook along, with a supply list and a diagram. In his notes he had included five hundred dollars as a tip for the person who found his body. His orginal plan was to go set up his equiptment at a hotel, take the jeep back to Sony and then a taxi back to the hotel. He wanted to be 100% certain that he was not found before he had completed suicide. His first plan was to electrocute himself, but he could not think of a way to do it without hurting someone else. There was one other thing on electrocution, that makes me smile now, he was concerned about too much carbonization. Oh, brother, is that him or what.
A disturbing side note: This book is not only availble online, but you can go down to Borders and any number of bookstores and buy it. You can also go online and find anything you pretty much want to know about how to die by suicide in minutes. In addition, there are websites that encourage people to die by suicide. I also found websites where you can get together with other suicidal people and do it together, basically suicide assistance.I got notice from the suicide support group in UT last week and discovered that the number one cause of death in UT for men between the ages of 30 an 49 is suicide.
|
|
| |
| I/M July 10, 2006 (partial) |
|
|
|
|
jeff jeff (7/10/2006 5:33:25 PM): do what you want. i don't care anymore.
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:08:08 PM): Actually I do. I was not threatning to end your career, although I made it sound like that, what I was hoping to do is motivate you to go get some help. Ok, that was stupid of me alright!
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:08:19 PM): I just want you to go get some help.
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:10:08 PM): It was extreme, sorry. That would be an extrodianarily mean thing to do. I could not do it
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:10:35 PM): Please just go to the doctor.
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:12:13 PM): Its the best thing to do to keep your career, please....go to the doctor....any doctor.......
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:16:07 PM): Leave me, stay with me, never talk to me again.....just please get some help. I am even talking mental health.
Dawn Harward (7/10/2006 6:19:26 PM): Every single one of your kids loves you, your grand kids ask after you, your friends, especially Jack and Wendy are worried about you. Jack is particulary worried about your health. |
|
| |
| July 12th, 2006 |
|
|
|
|
I called Jeff and I could hear that he was at Andrea's house so I asked him which address he wanted the rest of his shit sent to. He responded by saying, " I left the things at the house I want there.". I was like, what???? Then he said, "I can't deal with this any longer," and I thought, you are so messed up. He told me to put his stuff in storage or whatever and that he would deal with it later.
After giving this conversation some thought I said, "what the fuck is wrong with him!" I have to do something he is not right. Why would he think it is ok to leave his stuff at the house if he is still seeing Andrea? If he broke up with Andrea, why is he still there? Why does he think its ok to live between us? If he wants to be with Andrea then why would he be upset about me sending his things? Sorry, but that is not the man I knew. I tried to give him an out. In fact I tried to give him plenty of outs over the past 2 and 1/2 years. I tried to get him to talk to me. There was a time I offered to sell the house, use the equity in the house, talk to a mediator, go to counseling. I asked him in late August in 2004 what was up, I could tell something had changed in him then. We did not fight, in fact I had given up having any kind of conversation of real substance because of his drinking. I saw no percentage in any kind of engagement while he was drunk. It did not take Einstein to figure out where that conversation would go. In between times, it was all so confusing. He sent birthday gifts, mother's day cards, valentines gifts, he sent me music clips and sent me money to go see my dad. He came home and made plans for the future in the yard and with the grandkids and then when he went back to California he would flip between Jeff my husband and Jeff I don't know who. I talked to him everyday.
After Jeff's death, the depth of the trouble he was in mentally, physically and literally would be revealed.
My feel my response to the situation was understanding and compassionate and it went on for a long time. When I chose to call him on it and face down his monster the last week of his life it was an attempt to save his life. Remember, he told me he was suicidal and that he had a plan. He told me he wanted to get away from Andrea and that he had not been able to find a way out, he said he was a coward. Keep in mind, that this may or may not of been the truth. Both Andrea and I were being told "stories"as were a number of other people as the story unfolded.
My choice to tell Jeff that I was going to force him to get help and that I was willing to work thru it with him was his undoing. He did not want help and he did not want our understanding he wanted out of his life.
I could not cause Jeff to loose his career unless there were legimate reasons for him to loose his job, which there were, alcoholism and he knew it. My thought was that his career meant so much to him that he would go get some help. Truthfully, if my intent was to cause him to loose his job, why would I tell him my intentions? As far as an alienation of affection lawsuit against Andrea was concerned, I told him about that to force him to stay away from her, remember he told me he wanted out and that he was weak. I did not even know for sure if a alienation of affection lawsuit was still possible in the year 2006. It was a chance I took. I had seen it on TV, thats all.
You know the really sad part, I talked to the Sony benefits office and they told me that he had a year of disability benefits coming to him and that his salary would of been 75% of his regular pay. They also told me that there would of been no way that he would of lost his job. They also would of paid for all of his medical care, physciatric care and detox. Do you think he knew all of this? Hard to imagine he did not, considering how much he knew about his life insurance policy, but maybe he just did not want to know.
In truth, I don't know if we could of worked things thru together, I was willing to try, I cared deeply for him. I surely did not wish him dead, ever. Once someone has lied and deceived you for so long it would of been hard to regain the trust we once had, which truthfully, was the reason this was allowed to go on so long, trust. I think the saddest part, and maybe this should be under legacy, but it put a shadow on our entire life together and worse yet it did the same for our children. Auriel said to me one day," if dad was lying from the day he married you, then you are the one who should be pissed." She is right. |
|
| |
| July 4th weekend, 2006 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff came home to celebrate Jack's 50th birthday, which was a good excuse for the "Truck Brother's" to get together on the mountain. He had a really good time. He called everyone he knew from the that Mountain. He sounded so happy, he said, "I really need to do this more often, I forgot how fun it used to be." I was truly happy to hear his voice with that little lilt he could get when he was happy.
Jack spent a couple of days alone with Jeff. He told me that Jeff and he went over all the old war stories and reminised. Jack told me they did not usually cover every war story but this time they did.
While Jack was with Jeff that weekend, he observed his excessive drinking, morning shakes and his use of xanax. Jack talked to Jeff about his drinking and shared his concern for Jeff. Jack got Jeff to promise to keep in touch with him and to work on his drinking. After Jeff died, he went to Jeff's parents' house and told them that he really thought that Jeff would not make it another 6 months the way he was going. Jeff's other friend Harold, witnessed what he believed to be out of character for Jeff. He called another mutual friend and told her what he had seen on the mountain.
Jeff came home to our house after he got down from the mountain. He had our son go pick him up from Jack's. He seemed very happy to be home and everyone was happy to see him, including myself, even tho he had disclosed less than a month before about his affair with Andrea.
We went out to eat, he helped me with the tiki hut lights and got them on a timer, we went and bought him some more new jeans at Reams (cowboy store), wranglers, the only brand that would fit his slim body. We went to find a CD him and Jack listened to on the mountain. There was a song he wanted me to hear. He bought me a new alarm clock to go with the new sunrise machine he had just sent me. He had also made me a copy of the CD we had used for years to wake up with with.
On the night of the 4th of July, Jason had bought a boatload of fireworks for, he says, his kids (smile). Jeff and I sat under our litte garden table out front and watched the kids to fireworks. It was so prosaic. Just before Jason was done with his little fireworks extravaganza, the fireworks over the high school where Jeff and girls had gone to school, began to shoot up in the sky. We all stood in the middle of the street oooing and awwwing. It was a lot of fun!
The next day, after the morning ritual of the panic, xanax, shakes, alcohol, nap.....the kids begged their dad to cook them some Mexican food. For the first time ever, he said "no......I am too tired." They were disappointed and I made a mental note that it was not a good sign. He went to sit on our front porch something he loved to do as did I. We used to have coffee, now I had coffee and he had the little red cup. While sitting on the porch, he began to tell me he felt wounded. He was teary and he put his hand up to his mouth. With his first finger folded he put it in his mouth and bit down. Now the tears are streaming. I wanted to know what he meant. Auriel came out to be with us and he pulled himself together. I was not to hear his answer that day. I emailed him the next morning because the words were haunting. I asked him, "what do you mean by wounded," he said he did not really know how to put words to what he was feeling, he basically said he did not know how to describe it. The he said, "Jack described him as a dead man walking, that is how I feel."
Jeff told me, " I am going to go visit my mama," he stuck his head in the bathroom door kissed me good bye and said, "I will be back in a bit." Just the way he had always done. He left the house with the red cup that he now took everywhere. I should of driven him.
He stayed quit a long time at his parent's, we were going to go have lunch before he left, but there was not enough time by the time he went down his little list of things to do while he was home.
On the way to the airport we chatted, I kept looking over there looking at him and thinking, he does not look good, he is really not well, should I do something, should I say something, would he do something if I suggested it.... It took me about an half hour to get up the courage to say, "I don't know why I am taking you to the airport yet again, when I know damned well I should be taking you to a physc unit." He responded, "It is way too late for that." I did not say anymore. When we got to the airport, he got his things out of the back of my blazer same as always. I watched him. We said our good byes...then as he walked away I said, wait! Come sit for a second. He came back to my window and said, whats wrong baby? I hugged him thru the window. We both cried. I asked him to come sit in the car for a minute. He did. I took my hands and I held and stroked his face and his hair. I looked into his eyes. They did look empty and sad. He cried too. I held his hands out and admired how much I loved those hard working hands. It was time for him to leave....I said goodbye to him in a way that sounded when I heard myself say it, that it would be the last time I saw him. I sat and watched him one last time walk thru the airport doors guitar in hand. It seemed like slow motion.
|
|
| |
| April 2006 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff called home. I can't really remember the conversation, but we spoke again about him just letting go of his job and coming home. When we told him we did not care about the money, he would say, "that is like saying fuck you dad". He had not slept for 24 hours and he had taken strattera (meds for ADHD) to enhance his focus and increase his energy when this conversation took place. That I do remember. I also remember him saying that taking the straterra made him feel like the old Jeff.
At this time, I was still unaware of the life Jeff had been living. I suspected things asked questions but got no real answers.
While speaking to Jeff, I said something, which I don't recall, but I do remember him saying, "that is all I needed to hear." He started telling me about which kid he had promised what to, where his money was and what I was to do with it. He went off into another depressive rage.
While I was on the phone, Auriel just happened in from Price, she heard me on the phone screaming.....noooooo, we can't live without you....she took the phone from me. Auriel spent two hours talking him out of suicide. While she had him on the phone, I called the San Diego police, who were also looking for him. At some point, he left work without our knowledge so the police were unable to find him. If they could of found him, they would of hospitalized him involutarily. Is this the kind of thing a 21 year old girl should be doing? Is this the kind of thing anyone should be doing?
I called him later that night and it was if I was talking to a stranger. You would of never known that just a few hours earlier he was threatening to kill himself.
This will not be the last time Auriel will keep him from suicide. In late May, while Auriel is visiting her dad in San Diego, her dad confesses to her about his affair with Andrea. This is one week before Father's day. Auriel told me she became hysterical and then remembered, dad might kill himself. She told me she decided to calm down, act as if everything is ok and make plans with him the following day to keep him from possibly killing himself. Jeff told her he would meet her at the fair in Del Mar the following day. Auriel went specifically to meet him, her husband was working the fair. He never showed up. She tried to call him all day. Auriel was scared shitless, she was worried all day that he had killed himself. When he finally got a hold of her he had forgotten that he had even promised to meet her. |
|
| |
| April 2006 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff came home for the spring planting and to visit his family. While he was home, he came in while I was taking a bath. He says to me, "you know me better than anyone else, I have been thinking of moving out from Andrea's place she has been acting like she has a thing for me and it is getting weird." I told him that I had always thought he should of had his own place."He continues by telling me, "I am afraid of what Andrea might do." I am thinking that seems weird. He says, "I am thinking of hiring a private detective to help me get my things." I am thinking that is really, really weird. I suggest that he have Devin and Auriel help him move when they get down there. He told me that he was going to go back and give Andrea notice.
We went to a new age store called the Dancing Crane, while he was in Utah and he said he wanted to get his own place and fill it with things from that store. He liked the way he felt in that store. I bought him a piece of bloodstone in the shape of a heart to keep in his pocket. In response to this experience, I sent him his tarot card deck. Tarot had helped him thru depression before and he seemed hopeful. Andrea said he had been actively using his tarot cards. I got the impression she thought it was strange. He also took back to SD a number of items he had used in the past to feed his spirit. His dinosuar tooth, a large crystal, a couple of pendants. There was one other stone, which I can't recall right now, but he was frantically looking for it and I knew where it was and gave it to him. Wish I could remember the stone. Witchcraft had saved his life before, he was hoping to do it again. I was hoping it would do it again. Witchcraft is also known as Wicca, a nature based religion. Jeff was so happy to find Wicca. He thought he was the only one who felt the spirits of the trees.
He called and told me he sent Andrea a certified letter telling her he was moving out. He sent a copy of the request along with a list of his belongings to himself. I found the sealed letter in his things that were retrived from his office. Why was he so paranoid?
I found a small pocket notebook after his death, with his list of all the things he wanted to slip out of Andreas while she was away. First he sent all his files on the candle, pictures and noted correspondence in zip files to his yahoo. account. He then made a list of his top priorty items, guitar, keyboard and computer. There were about 10 tasks on the list all of which were crossed off.
In the notebook, he also talked about just disappearing. Then he said, "how will I get money to Dawn?" Followed by, "maybe I will have to just disappear." |
|
| |
| 2005 |
|
|
|
|
Dawn to SD for Valentines
Mtn High Credit Union calls and wants to pick up Jason's car, why? We are making the payments. Seems strange. Dawn asks for documentation on the car, Mtn fails to provide it.
Jeff home for D's and J's birhtdays
Mtn High decides to repossess all of our vehicles. Why? none of them are late? Well except for Jason's car, for which we have seen no documentation or record of payment from MTN High so we choose to not pay them to force disclosure.
Mtn High does repossess all but Jeff's Jeep. It is in San Diego fortunately. What is going on? We are making the payments.
Mtn High files for foreclosure on our house, why? We are current on all of our payments? Time to find an attorney.
Attorney recommends we file bankruptcy. Told to liquidate assets.
April Jeff comes home...prepares garden for the summer and visits with family and friends. We also attend Auriel's graduation. Jeff is still having panic attacks. He now has the shakes in the morning.
May Jeff comes home. He has a month off, but only stay a week. Seemed weird. He said he told me he had the month off, I said "I don't know who you told, but it was not me."
Jeff asks me about going with Andrea and the roomies to the river. I wanted him to get out and have fun...so I said it sounded fun.
Attorney is stalling, foreclosure moving forward, Attorney bails. Time to find another attorney. Advised to liquidate retirement funds and to use all of our tax return on home improvements. He recommends bankruptcy and then drops the ball.
Somewhere between May and July, Jeff began having an full on affair with the Andrea, his "landlady." He is no longer living in a 10 x 10 foot room as he would have everyone believe. I think in his mind he was still in a 10 x 10 ft room.
Ok, things are really tense. Time to find a real attorney. I contact BYU Law school and get a referral from a family friend. This time we get a litigator. He advises us to prevent bankruptcy and to file a counter-lawsuit against Mtn High for wrongful foreclosure.
It took 4 months and a bunch of money to save the house, but the courts ruled in our favor. I was confident that we would win, but Jeff was scared that we would loose. It was a lot to lose. I read the contract, Mtn High had no legal right to our house but it was still scary. What would of happened if we had no money? Did this happen to other people all the time who did not have the resources to save themselves?
FOR THE RECORD, MTN HIGH NEVER HAD ANY LEGAL RIGHT TO OUR HOUSE, THE CONTRACT CLEARLY STATED THAT THE PRIMARY RESIDENCE WAS EXEMPT FROM CROSS COLLATERALIZATION. MTN High acted illegally and with no basis, that is why we won the lawsuit. The only thing we were guilty of was co-signing on Jason's car/debt consolidation loan, one had NOTHING to do with the other, except they were at the same bank. Also, this was not our first car loan at Mtn High, it was our third. We both had seen the contract.
Mtn High settles. Jeff wonders outloud, "why am I waiting until the settlement check clears?".
July - Jeff came home and went to my family reunion and we had a party at our house. He was drunk the entire visit. He woke up with the shakes, then he had panic attacks. To cope he got up had vodka with juice, took a xanax and then paced around outside. He would then fall asleep for 2 to 3 more hours.
Jeff came home and went with me to take Auriel to College of Eastern Utah to take her placement tests in Price, UT.
Sept -Jeff comes home for a party for our 25th wedding anniversary, all of our friends, our children are there, champagne, the works. He was the host. Everyone loved Jeff's mixed drinks. I gave him a silver engraved bracelet.
Auriel gets engaged and decides to get married at the end of December.
Nov.- Jeff came home for Thanksgiving. We were going to have TG with his family but a big battled ensued when Jeff's gay older brother wanted to bring his lover to TG. The party quickly went to hell. Jeff told me, "you can do what you want, but I am done with my dad!" We had dinner at home, with Kay and his lover, our children, my brother and his wife and my friend Jody. He was great. Jeff carved the turkey as always.
Between TG amd Christmas Jeff is greatly distressed over the famial issues his family had with his brother Kay. He took it very personal. He hates it. We all hated it.
While preparing Auriel's invitations, we ran into issues as to who should be invited to the wedding from Jeff's family because of the problems with the gay boyfriend. We are forced to make choices. The kids were all close to Kay. Kay would not come if any of Jeff's family was there including grandma and grandpa. What a mess. Finally it was decided to invite the grand parents and call it good. Jeff said he did not want Dennis and Stephan there because of their treatment of Kay and he invited Kay. Kay did not want this conflict to ruin Auriel's day and begged out and he took us all out later.
December - Jeff comes home for Christmas and for Auriel's wedding. He said in one of his emails that he really was not all that excited to be going home.
On Christmas, Jeff passes out before the grandkids get to open their presents. Something he would of ordinarily been in the middle of. He loved kids.
The 26th of December - he flies into a depressive rage when I was rear ended on an icy road and failed to call the police. It was a small dent and it was a dangerous spot so we exchanged information instead. All the kids were home. He was pacing back and forth thru the house and yelling. We all new at that point something was seriously wrong. We called his brother kay to take him to the hospital. Kay came and took him out, but Jeff was able to convince him it was something other than what it was. After Kay left, Jeff began crying and pacing around the house again. This time he went to each of us saying he was sorry and that he loved us. We are scared. It was a long time since we had seen that behavior. He told me about the life insurance policy and his concern that he was too weak and that he did not know how long he could hold on. He told me that he needed me to work and why. I don't think he even remembered that he had clued us all in to his plans.
Auriels wedding is perfect. Jeff went the extra mile and surprised them with a Limo. Auriel had always wanted a winter wedding. The most amazing thing was that Auriel wanted snow and she got it just as they began to exchange vows. It was so romantic. Jeff played his guitar and Lindsey sang the songs he had taught them as children. His best friend Jack played with him. He was so proud.
In the days following the wedding, I received many phone calls from friends inquiring into Jeff's well being. Many said he seemed distant, depressed, face seemed puffy....lots of concern. He did not mingle even with his oldest and closest friend, Jack.
|
|
| |
| January 2004 |
|
|
|
|
My mother passed away in December 2003, right after Jeff lost his jjob. He and my mother were close. He took really good care of my mom and he enjoyed many chats with her. It was a hard time for all of us. So many things were happening at once.
Because my mother passed away December 28th and her funeral was on January 2nd, 2004, I was unable to travel with Jeff to Seattle. He was brave, but not happy about driving alone in the winter weather to Washington. He called me every two hours all the way there. He thought for sure he was going t o slide off the road into the snake river.
He was worried and not very happy about continuing working for Microsoft. We were to find out by Valentines day that the project he was hired for was cancelled. He was not surprised, but disappointed, we had spent a lot of money and he had signed a six month lease. He found out about the project the day I flew in to spend Valentines weekend with him. I remember him being so excited to see me. It was like in the movies..he saw me in the airport and came running...he picked me up! It was so romantic. We spent the next 4 days exploring Seattle and trying out all the restuarants on the pier. We spent time at Pikes Market where we found a new troll for my collection. Over the next few days we decided that he would stay and look for work from there. It was quiet and he had a place to work. We also decided to go ahead and give an interview in Hawaii for Konami a shot. It was decided if they offer him a job we would take it.
He did go to Hawaii for an interview within the next two weeks. He was back less than a week when they offered him the job. Hde took it. He returned to Utah for about 3 weeks while getting ready to move to Hawaii. We arranged for his Jeep to be transported to Hawaii from the port of Long Beach. We bought tickets to Hawaii. In the meantime, the week before we left for Hawaii Sony contacted Jeff for an interview. We decided to go for it... Hawaii was a long commute home and we wanted to be close to our kids, grandkids and our friends. They flew him out on a friday morning and back that night. We got up on Sat and drove to Long Beach, put the Jeep on the boat and hopped our plane to Hawaii.
We got there a few days before he was to start at Konami. We toured the whole island and looked at houses. We ate shrimp...tons of it. I tried coconut milk...yuk! He laughed at me. We ate pineapple everything at the Dole pineapple farm.
On the morning he was to start work Auriel called and said that fedex had delivered a package. Jeff had her open it. Turns out, it was a job offer from Sony. He was like...HOLY SHIT! The offer was about the same as that of Konami. We talked about it and decided to counter offer and Jeff went to work. He was a nervous wreck. It was not his style to take a job and not see it thru, but he was excited. Over the next few days he went back and forth with Sony and finally a offer that was better than what he had by quit a bit was on the table. We decided to take it. We had discovered that it would cost more money than Konami was willing to pay to move us to Hawaii and that we would either have to store all of our things in Utah or sell them all. Neither of which seemed like good options. Sony offered a great moving package that was good for a year. The cost of living in San Diego was about the same as Hawaii but the commute was better and the Company was way better. He was very excited and he felt validated.
I flew home two weeks before Jeff did. Our son Jason was getting married and I had to come home early. Jeff had told Konami that he would have to go home for Jason's wedding. This was to become Jeff's backdoor exit from Konami. He left and never went back. He hated doing that. He was stressed for months that Konami would do something to hurt his career.
Jeff was home for about a week and he left by plane to go to San Diego. His Jeep was now back at the port of Long Beach. It never got off the boat. We had them send it back without taking it off. My uncle, who lives in Oceanside, had picked up the Jeep for Jeff and he met Jeff at the airport in San Diego. He was given really nice corporate housing for two months in Carmel Valley. I flew out and met him in San Diego the following week. He went to work and I went looking around at the different neighborhoods for a place to live.
I came back to Utah and packed everything in our storage unit and got ready to move. About 4 weeks later, Jeff came home and we packed up his computer and some other items and we drove back to San Diego. We stopped in St George, UT and picked up my dad and took him with us. We had a fun ride down. I spent another week in San Diego, this time with my dad, looking at neighborhoods and housing prices.
Jeff came home for the 4th of July. We had a big party. All of our friends were there. Jeff was the joyful bartender. By now he was making mean mai tai. He got everyone f'd up. He had gone to bartending school in the fall of 2003 as an emergency back up plan if he did not find a job right away. He had bartending for my catering business a few times and he loved it. We also operated a bar during the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. He wrote in his journal that July, that he really missed his house alot, Dawn, his family and friends. He said that each time he went home he felt more lonely and he did not know how long he could keep on living like had been.
After looking at housing in San Diego he was certain that we could never afford living there and he wanted to stay in Utah. He hated change and he never handled it well. Case in point, when he worked for Intelligent Instrumentation, he had needed to quit for a long time before he finally had a nervous breakdown and ended up inpatiented for depression and suicidal ideation. That is when we ended up moving back to Utah. His friends, especially Jack, had created a job in Utah and rescued him. Jeff told me that he thought that he would stay at Sony until the end of the first year, so he would not have to pay back the sign on bonus, and in between time, he would continue his work on the artificial candle. He wanted to make a career change. He was very tired of the pressure of his programming career. He no longer found the joy in it that he used to. I remember how he ate it up in the beginning like it was candy.
Jeff came home the end of August for his monthly visit. I was working at Octoberfest at Snowbird ski resort in Utah. His brother Kay brought him up to meet me. I felt something different coming off him. He seemed changed somehow. The first night he was home he went straight to Jack's which was out of character for him. I asked him about it.
Near the end of Jeff's visit, I tried to corner him on his plans for work and he got angry at me and wanted to know what I was doing for work. I was frustrated because I did not know if I was supposed to close the wedding business or keep it open. If I was staying or going. If he was staying or going. It was a hard time for everybody. I was unaware of how much drinking Jeff had been doing and how lonely he had become.I was unaware of his internet addiction, although I had questioned him about it. I had noticed his covert activities. I questioned him about how he was handling being alone and he said, "I am adaptable."
I flew out again in September for our 24th wedding anniversary. We had a really good time. We got a nice hotel on the beach and hung out together. We went to Balboa Park and the beach. We gathered sand and shells for a project I had going for our bathroom at our home. We went to a Micro brewery and had a great hamburger and a beer. He gave me a list of things he needed and I shopped them out for him. It was fun.
Jeff came home for Thanksgiving. My dad came up and we had his brother Kay over. My brother Chad and his family came. All of us were there except Lindsey, who was still in Minneapolis at the time. We had the best time. I cooked all the food, like I had done for the past few years, since my mom became sick. This was my dad's first Thanksgiving without my mom. Oh, yeah, and our friend Mark came up from Tucson too! Everything seemed so amazingly normal and happy. My brother's wife was allergic to cats so we packed up all the crap and halled it to Chad's house....it was an adventure and we all got a kick out of it.
Over the TG weekend we would visit Jeff's parents, eat leftovers, eat pie at Michelles and of course drink. We planned a budget for Christmas. I noticed Jeff on the computer at odd hours and when I walked in, I saw him click off. I asked him about it. He said it was a habit from work. When he left to return to San Diego I went out to the computer and his email was left open. It was then I discovered the "Peeping Salmanders." I asked him about it. He thought he threw me off, but I knew then he was up to something questionable. More importantly, I knew that his obession with the exmormon group was unhealthy for his depression. He had been diagnosised with religious and spiritual abuse as part of his depression and suicidal ideation diagnosis at the Tucson Physciatric Hospital. It was like slowly poisoning himself. I knew he could have friends on the internet. I had met the Tropicult. I was upset that he was going back into those dark places where nothing good was going to come out of it. We both had our names removed from the records of the mormon church, but he never could really let go. He had much deeper issues with it than I had. I just let go. He actually did really well for a number of years after his inpatient stay. We were all happy and we did not have a single fight for years. Everything began to turn around when his brother came out gay and his brother's, except Jason, turned on Kay. Jeff stood up for him. He got into fights with his dad over it. He took all this very personal. Our little family took Kay in and loved him. It also meant a separation between other members of Jeff's family.
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we had new tile put in our house. Something we had always dreamed of doing. We refaced the fireplace, tiled the entry, redid the bathroom tile, and saltio tile all the way thru the kitchen and pantry. It was awesome. It was freaking cold outside while they were doing it. I sent photos to him every step of the way and he forwarded them to his friends on the garden web. I tiled the the window sills and I mosaiced our kitchen table to match the window sill. He was thrilled. I was thrilled. They got it all done just in time for me to fly out there for Christmas.
In early December, Jeff sent me a link to a home with a room for rent just a few miles from where he worked. He had been living with a pair of lesbians in LaMesa who made him nuts. He really felt trapped in his room. They always left him nasty grams as he called them, on his door. He said he was afraid to take a pee for fear of the note. I could not stand him living the way he had been living. Alone, unhappy and drinking what seemed like a lot to me. He never was a drinker. He could barely tolerate a beer. Now, pot, he smoked everyday for as long as I had known him. He used it to quiet his mind and it seemed to work. I read the link he sent me and I told him to go check it out. I had always trusted him and he had never given me a reason not to. Nor had I him. We would of never lasted 30 years if trust had been an issue. He went an looked at the room and we decided together it was a better option for him and us. He did ask Andrea if I could come and stay with them once a month in a follow up letter which he forwarded to me. When I met Andrea I thought she was fun, smart and a tough chick. I was impressed with her. Her and I had a couple of nice chats. She told me about some of her life experiences and I was amazed at her resilience. She loved animals too, now could we go wrong.
Over Christmas we went to Temecula and spent the day with my Uncle and his family. It was the first time we had ever been away from our children for a holiday. It was very different. We had fun, but it was not the same without the kids. We went to Mexico for a day. This was the first time I saw Jeff make himself a 44 oz mai tai. He made one for me too. I was like...what! I can't drink all of this. Ok, he says, we will share. I had wanted to stay thru New Years, but for some reason (I wondered), he had me go home on the 28th. I thought then it was insensitive seems how it was the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I was sad to go home. I did not want to leave him again.
I went back to San Diego for Valentine's Day. I stayed with Jeff at Andrea's again. We went to the Museums and the gardens at Balboa Park. We also went to the Aquarium where I bought him a copy of the Living Sea, by Sting. We first fell in love with that at the Aquarium in Seattle. He had always wanted it CD. We ate out a bunch and went to old town San Diego. Andrea had us go up to her condo for a Valentine's dinner. We all went and sat in the hot tub, a favorite passtime for them. Andrea's friends Lenny and Sandy were really fun to listen and talk to. Lenny was especially fun. We had fun. This would be my last trip to San Diego until July 16th, 2006.
Jeff came home towards the end of March and then the trips started to get farther apart. He came home in mid May and returned to San Diego before Memorial weekend. He had a month off at the end of the project, but he only came home for a week. He called and told me that Andrea, her friends and roommates were going to the desert for the weekend. I think he had already made plans to go, but he asked me about it and I said it would be better than sitting home. Up until this point I had been talking to him regularly and he sent me little love notes. I could always reach him by phone and his computer always worked. His trips were now becoming every two months, instead of every month. I did however, talk to him everyday, sometimes all day between work, between the I/M and the phone.
To digress, during this span of time, Jeff had decided on suicide as his out. He began making plans after he crossed his own moral code in August 2004. The man I knew could not of lived with the choices he had made. I know this because I lived with him for most of my life and his. I know this because of the things he taught his children. He began researching a suicide plan in Sept 2004 right after my visit for our anniverary. Our anniversary is the 20th his notes began on the 27th. He purchased the equipment on Dec 7th, 2004. He created a zipfile with a group of emails, the life insurance policy, and a list of necessary supplies to complete the "T". With the heading, "For real this time."
Beginning in early 2005 we began having legal troubles with our bank. Something that was no fault of our own. His or mine. The bank made an illegal move and we had to pay for their actions. This took about 6 months to resolve and was very stressful, especially for Jeff.
Jeff had planned to kill himself at the end of his first year at Sony. I know this, because he told me/us two days before Auriel's wedding, in Dec 2005. He was upset that he had to wait two years. He also told me then he did not know if he could make it another 7 months. I called his brother kay, I told his parents, I called Juele, I told Jack and Wendy, I even told our tax accountant that Jeff had told me he was suicidal. I sent an email to Andrea by way of roommates.com. I told everyone that for some reason he is angry with me this time around, it will have to be someone else that rescues him. Truthfully, I am not sure anyone or anything could of saved him at this point. It may have been forestalled again for a day, a week, but after reading all his journals over again, looking thru all his self help books where he highlighted the things that rang true with him, it seems like a miracle he made it this far. He had wondered in 1999 if he was not on the verge of another nervous breakdown and an inpatient stay. The extent he was trapped in his mind is without words. I think to myself...did I really know him? did anybody really know him? He had a great game face huh?
|
|
| |
| 2004 |
|
|
|
|
Seattle, Microsoft contract job
contract project with Microsoft cancelled
Begin Lantern Development
Interview with Konami
Trip to Hawaii
Trip to Long Beach
Trip to Hawaii
Interview with Sony Entertainment
Move to Hawaii
Sony Entertainment makes a job offer and we accept
Leave Konami with no notice
Return for Jason's Wedding
Move to San Diego
Corporate Housing in SD
Treatments with Morris(NLP)
Jeff freaked out about Konami trying to contact him
Trips home/Dawn Trips to SD to look for housing
Moves in with the lesbian couple in La Mesa (something happened, here, don't know what for sure, really commits to drinking here, according to his journals, to stop smoking...what??? He begins have panic attacks every day.
He is addicted to the internet,by his own admission,, has relationship with bitter exmormons online, he questions himself, why?
August, he begins emotional online relationship with Katie from PA or...begins making phonecalls...relationship...how long before?
Trip to Utah for labor day weekend
Dawn to SD for 24th wedding anniversary
Begins contemplating suicide by electrocution, he wonders "how can I prevent carbonization?" "How can I prevent others from being hurt?"
Sees a physcologist/decides it will never help
Developes suicide plan based on "The Final Exit" and "worse case senario", not able to determine from writings.
Buys equiptment necessary for suicide
Requests copy of life insurance policy
Moved in an room at the home of Andrea at Christmas
Dawn meets Jeff for Christmas in SD
|
|
| |
| 2003 |
|
|
|
|
In October 2003 Jeff was able to secure an interview with Oddworld in San Luis Obispo. He was so sure they would never call him.
They put him thru a series of appitude tests before they ever even considered an onsite interview. When they call he was blown away, but he had renewed hope. He was also very intimidated by the list of very prestigeous programmers who where on staff there. He did tons of research.
We spent a week out there. We loved it. It seemed as if everything was going to work out. The town was perfect for two counterculture artists. We went to church, we had our tarot cards read, we ate seafood, we ate food art...it was awesome, all at their expense. They really showed us a good time. It seemed as if everything was going perfectly.
We waited roughly two weeks before we found out that they had nixed the whole idea of hiring someone else. The really hard part for Jeff, was that is was based on the information he provided them about the the xbox. Oh my gawd....he was devastated. I don't think he ever recovered from it.
The layoff at Microsoft went just as Jeff projected. Senior programmers, basically anyone making the most money were let go. He was scared. How was he going to take care of his family?
|
|
| |
| fall 2003 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff mentioned to me that he thought something was wrong with his brain. I laughed it off. I told him, you are the smartest person I know, your just slowing down like the rest of us.
Turns out, he was serious. He was upset with me for not taking him serious. He went in and had a brain scan. I never saw the results. I found out over a year later that he had actually gone and done it at the University of Utah. I have requested his medical records. |
|
| |
| 2000-2003 |
|
|
|
|
Microsoft had been trying to buy out Access Software for quit sometime. Bruce Carver had said no on several occassion, but the game company had outgrown what Bruce was able to keep up with. The Links series of games had become so popular that Access could no longer meet the demands for the product, so Bruce decided it was time to sell.
During the Transistion Jeff was very afraid that he would not make the cut. He was subjected to several interviews and IQ tests and such to meet the standards to work for Microsoft. He did in fact get hired by Microsoft to continue his work in the gaming industry.
He still did some work on the golf games, but he ended up on a couple of other projects that did not pan out and ended there working on the snowboarding series of games.
Microsoft had historically ate companies and move them to Redmond, WA, but decided to try and keep this studio in SLC.
It failed, so they decided to downsize. Jeff was notified of inpending layoffs.
The last year was hell. He used to refer working for Microsoft as being absorbed into the machine, not unlike the borg in Star trek. The last 6 months he worked there he worked 7 days a week, 14 to 16 hours a day and he spent many nights there, all the time knowing that he was looking at a layoff. He grew very tired and depressed. He had no time to even look for other work and he started then to feel hopeless, old and obsolete. I found notes in his journals that eluded to suicide. He was very concerned about being able to keep up with the young men coming in behind him. He knew he was going to get laid off just because was the "senior" programmer.
Somewhere during this time he felt that was something was wrong with his brain. He told me and I thought he was kidding. He was not. I found out a year later, December 2004 that he had had a brain scan and did not tell me. He had also sought counseling but gave up in the fall of 2004. I have never seen the results of the brain scan, nor did he share that with me.
Jeff had been in touch with several head hunters by now. One of which was Konami in Hawaii and a very intriguing prospect in San Luis Obispo, CA.
Another thing, at the end of 2003 my mother passed away, whom he was very close too, he was needless to say a very difficult time. |
|
| |
| 1995 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff spent 6 months without a job, but not without a goal. I waitressed while he build a portfolio to become a computere game programmer.
While attending the Unity Church in SLC, we met a couple that told Jeff if he really wanted to make good money, he should go into computer games. He took their advice and begin researching and wrote a sample game for his portfolio.
Meanwhile, I had begun working on the American Fork City Arts council where I met someone who was a graphic artist for a design studion in SLC. I arranged for them to meet. He gave Jeff a tour.
A couple of weeks later, he was able to land a job interview with, what was then Access software, which was the same company that he had toured with my friend from the art board. He was a shoe in.
He loved working for Access software. The president of the company was everything a good leader should be. An example would be, when he listed the wifes and families on the game developement team on the games and also said that his companie had x number of families that worked for him. He had heart and Jeff loved him and loved working for. him. |
|
| |
| 1994 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff found work at Harmon DOD in SLC. He was not too excited about the job, but he got paid descent money and it had benefits. Benefits was always a top priority for taking care of a family.
In the meantime he continued his work on his computer gaming portfolio and spent time building up his mental and physical stamina for what he knew would come once he found work as a programmer.
Jeff was never afraid of work. He did what it took and rarely complained. |
|
| |
| 1993 |
|
|
|
|
In 1993 Jeff moved to Utah to work with his friend for Lines and Designs, a graphic art and airbrush company for big rigs. The job lasted from October 1993 until March 1994.
Because of Drug abuse and sales at the company, Jeff and Jack both left the company because of conflict of interest and illegal activities they did not want to be involved in.
The truck company was well known, and in fact did all the airbrush work on Karl Malone's semi truck while he was at the peak of his career for the Utah Jazz.
|
|
| |
| 1990 |
|
|
|
|
Flotek went bankrupt to to poor money management by the owner. Jeff went on many interviews outside of Arizona, but he did not want to leave Arizona, he really felt as if he had found his home. He loved the desert.
In an effort to stay in Arizona, he took a job with Intelligent Instrumentation as an applications engineer, a job he really never liked. It was a job and it was in Tucson, but he was never truly happy there.
When he went to work there were several applications engineers and by the time he left he was the only one left, doing the work of the entire group of them. He was so stressed out and he felt that he should be capable of doing the work of all these men. His mental health began to decline.
He had been doing side work for a long time with man from Mexico, which had kept him sane, but it too began to be a burden.
The last year Jeff worked for Intelligent Instrumentation, he had a major depressive episode, the third one that I knew of, and ended up being hospitalized for being suicidal. His diagnosis was major clinical depression with suicidal ideation, brought on my religious as spiritual abuse as a child.
Jeff was put on disability and later on partial disability. He became convinced that when he returned to work full time he would be let go.
So three of his old friends from Utah decided to rescue him and go into business together in Utah in the fall of 1993. |
|
| |
| January 3, 1986 |
|
|
|
|
Daughter Auriel Nicole Harward was born |
|
| |
| 1986 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff got the chance to do be a programmer for Flotek Corporation. The company developed systems for Mexican mango growers so that they could meet the USDA standards for import to the United States. He absolutely loved this job.
He began by working part time while still working for Burr Brown. He was so happy to finally be making enough money to take care of his family.
He also loved traveling to Mexico. He learned the language and grew to love the people. He had many stories of his adventures into Mexico and he lite up everytime he told them. He never imposed himself on the people he worked with, he let them teach him and he became one of them in spirit.
He eventually left Burr Brown and went to work for Flotek full time. |
|
| |
| January 26,1984 |
|
|
|
|
Daughter Lindsey Michelle Harward was born |
|
| |
| March 15, 1981 |
|
|
|
|
Son Jason Mikkel Harward was born |
|
| |
| September 20, 1980 |
|
|
|
|
Married to wife Carole "Dawn" Nielsen |
|
| |
| 1980 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff took a job with Burr Brown Corportation in Tucson, AZ. He got a lead on a job there from his brother Stephan who already worked there. He could not wait to leave Utah. He had always dreamed of leaving Utah and he HATED being cold. |
|
| |
| 1978 |
|
|
|
|
Jeff went to work for Control Data Corporation. He flew around he country to hospitals working on mainframes. He wanted to work as a programmer and promised an opportunity, but it never happened, so he decided to look elsewhere. I made him go to Control Data at least once a week until they hired him ( I would drive him and wait in the car). |
|
| |
| 1977 |
|
|
|
|
Met Dawn at Doug's house. |
|
| |
| 1977 Jeff Loves Carly |
|
|
|
|
I came to the realization today that when he broke up with Carly in 1977, the emotional devastation further activated his depression which is why he cut his wrists when he was 19 years old. The first time he tried to take his life he overdosed on ephedra which he told me was when he was 17 years old. I suspect this was in relationship to Carly as well. He loved Carly. I think she was the love of his life. I also believe that he felt that he was the one responsible for the end of their relationship. He stuggled for years with this issue. Long after we were married. He never talked to me about the particulars and I did not ask. I
|
|
| |
| 1957 |
|
|
|
|
Born in Utah on March 13, 1957. |
|
| |
| If you have any material to add to this section, please contact the
website manager.
If you are the website manager, you can enter edit mode to change the timeline
by clicking here. |
| Bring the memories home by publishing your online memorial as a genuine hardcover keepsake |
|
Add to favorites 
