Jeff loved his kids. He was known as the family nurse. He would put giant bandaids on the smallest of boo boos. He would love away their tears. I on the other hand would tell them to spit on it and rub it (I learned that from my dad).

Jeff devoted his life to his family. He used to take great delight in being able to not only provide for us, but in the fact that he could do more than just provide for us. He took a lot of pleasure in being able to give us all just a little more than we needed. 

Two of our most treasured memories is of two trips to Disneyland. He had wanted to take the kids for years and finally he was able to come by the money. We went two years running. He spared no expense and did not say no to anything. He delighted in seeing us all having a great time. The second time, we took Auriel's best friend Ari whose family had not been able to take the kids to Disneyland. He treated her as he did his own children. Jeff LOVED Disneyland. He killed us with fun! We would be begging him not to make us go back for the 5th day in a row....and he would say..."oookkkk" (sad face) and then when we got up the next day to go to the beach....he would be like...."can't do it,  we have t go back to Disneyland!" Can you imagine? The kids beggin him to stop the fun......As we headed into Disneyland one more time....on the simba tram.....

I recently read in a letter he had written me about being there for Jasons birth was one of the happiest moments of his life. He also told me how much he loved Jason and that he wanted me to be sure that I told him when he was old enough to understand just how much he loved him. He also told me in that letter how much he loved me and how much he appreciated my understanding of his "condition." The letter was not dated...but it was when Jason was a baby. I had been waiting for a piece of paper to fall out of the sky, this was it. Lindsey found it in the bottom of a box of stuff that had been stored under the house for years. I wanted something to show Jason  that "his" dad loved him. It was a bonus for me to hear him speak of his "condition" and how he appreciated and loved me for my compassion and understanding.
We had actually had a fight that day about something really dumb, you know early married stuff, he was afraid I was going to leave him. The letter read like it was written for me and Jason yesterday. We both needed to hear it.


It has been a hard week for me. I have been sorting thru all the family keepsakes. Lots of cards...So many cards where the kids express their love and affection for their dad. Birthday, Valentines Day, Father's Day of course....just because cards."Dad your my hero," worlds greatest dad,"thanks for everything dad," .... I found myself weeping, how could he not know how much he was loved?  There were so many beautiful cards to me expressing his undying love and admiration as a wife, mother, valentine....There was an equally large pile of cards to him...from me,"thanks for your love and support," You mean the world to me," you are my world,"  "World's greatest husband!"As I read each one I found myself thinking....How could he feel so alone in the world? There are cards from his collegues at work, his oldest and dearest friends, our parents, our siblings. One note from my dad, "Jeff thanks so much for taking such great care of our daughter. In our book you are A-ok. We love you just the way you are." 

Because this is Fathers Day....it is important for me...to tell you once again how much I loved you, how much I apreciated the sacrifices you made for our little "tribe"and how even though you are gone, you continue to take care of us. 

We raised strong, independant, free-thinking, open minded children. I don't know how they could of been anything less. They are your legacy as they are mine. I think we did a pretty damned good job. I know in the end that you thought that they no longer loved you....but you were sooooo wrong. I know you thought that I had some kind of say in what they were thinking or saying....but you have to know.....they are our children, did you really expect anything less than them having their own opinion. You would be proud of the level of maturity and amazing insight that they have exhibited.

Ok, so you weren't there for the baseball games, but you were there for the math homework and science projects. You took them on nature walks and taught them about botany. You taught them to love and respect nature. You taught them to value themselves and to treat others with love and kindness. You taught them not to lie and to have integrity. You taught them by example how to work. 

Jeff on this Father's Day my wish for you is that you know that you were a great dad and a great husband. I want you to know and the kids would want you to know, that you are still loved and your leaving has left a big void in our family. We are struggling to keep our family together, but it has been very hard without you. You were a vital part of the team. It is also important that you know, that the kids knew that you were struggling with mental illness and alcoholism and they hold you blameless for the things that transpired leading up to your decision to end your lifelong battle with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation. I have not reached the point of understanding that they have, which is stupid, because I had lived it beside you for nearly 30 years. We are all still working on forgiveness. 

I miss the man I married and our children miss the man they knew as their father. I hope that you have finally found freedom for the constant chatter in your brain and the peace that you so longed for. 

Were doing ok....and we think of you everyday.

Happy Father's Day Husbando!