The phone rings and I pick up the phone, "mom, I am depressed the voice says on the other end, I don't know if I can go on living." I say what has happened? " I have ruined my life I don't see much hope for my future."

Legacy? I will give you legacy. This is not the first time I have received this call and I presume it will not be the last.  It is not the same child, but yet another of my children contemplating ending their life as a way of ending their sufftering. I'd  like to say my situation is unique, but it is not. This is often the case after the loss of a family member to suicide.

I talk for a bit and then I make arrangements with my daughter to have her call me every two hours and then I tell her if I don't hear from her or I can't reach her within 30 minutes of the two hour mark, I am going to call the police.  I am out of town and she is home alone 400 miles from where I am at. I get off the phone and make frantic phone calls to set up a safety net and a response team. Ironically enough, I was in San Diego at a group facilitator conference for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention.

I wish the story ended here but it does not, eventually I am unable to reach her and the panic sets in. I call her brother and her sister who frantically try to reach her. I found someone to go to the house and I call a friend of hers at work to see if they have seen her and they call her boyfriend to see if she is with him. The team is fully mobilized, we leave a message on her phone, if you don't call us within 30 minutes we are calling the police!" Now we are all feeling sick. We start bargaining with God.

This is the legacy of suicide. Now my children, our children are so wounded that suicide is an option? Is this how it is to be from here on out? The children we spent the entirety of our lives teaching how to live now think that dying can be a solution?  A father and husband so afraid to talk to us that he would rather die than tell us he was unhappy? 

My daughter said to me, "I thought I knew what a broken heart was when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I thought I knew what a broken heart was when my marriage fell apart, but the truth is, I never knew what a broken heart was until my dad killed himself." Its not just the suicide that is a problem. It is the multiple lives that their dad appears to have been leading. It is also all the lies they were told, if they were lies. If they choose to believe all the stories they were told and things that they have read, then their dad would have been a liar for their entire lives. If they choose to believe all these stories then it casts a shadow on everything their dad ever said or did. Their dad held them to a very high moral and ethical code. Can you imagine having the foundation of your entire life taken from you? Their dad was the sun, the moon and the stars to these kids. He was their hero and to find out that he had been talking about them behind their backs in the fashion that appears to have been done, while he maintained his same old husband and dad facade is a pretty tough pill to swallow.  

We only had two rules in our house, one was to be in by dark or to have at least checked in and the second rule, with the harshest punishment, was lying. Their dad was their role model and they adored him. They were very proud of him and you would often hear them bragging about him. This is still true.  Everyone who knew their dad loved him and he was admired for his kind compassionate ways and well his honesty. The worst part of this; he was their roll model and as a role model he has made it ok to solve their problems with drugs and alcohol, and if that does not kill the pain or frustration you can always take your life. What happened to communication? Calling a doctor? Finding a lawyer? Going to counseling? As well as a myriad of other options? These were important options that went ignored. Seeing no other options is a symptom of depression and suicidal ideation. Projecting blame onto others is a symptom of alcoholism. Nothing is every the alcoholics fault.

These diseases are horrible for everyone involved, not just the person who is sick. Everyone around these people become a part of the sickness too. As the family of a depressed borderline with narcissism, we were in what is called the "inner circle." The inner circle is a threat to the sick person because we know their secret. We can and were frozen out of his life to protect others from finding out just how sick he was. This IS what happened. Anyone who believes otherwise is still part of the sickness. At what point does education and reason give way to the possiblity that something was seriously wrong despite outward appearances and conversations where one felt like they were privy to some special information just because he said it. All these pieces of special insight fit together like a puzzle that tells the story of a man who took a trip into madness. This does not dishonor Jeff in death but rather puts his death back into perspective and  back where it belongs at the end of his life, and in the context of the rest of his life. Cause of death: major depressive disorder co morbid with suicidal ideation and finally drug and alcohol addiction. I personally believe that the alcohol abuse dealt the final blow to his brain chemistry. Actually, I know this is true. Alcohol had the final say on the day he took his life. He would not of killed himself that day if he had not of been drunk. 75% of all suicides involve the use of alcohol.

I know for a fact that Jeff did not want all of his pain and suffering thrust upon the people he loved. He wrote,"If I do this is will cause pain, lots of pain."  Besides the person we knew would not of ever maliciously hurt anyone. He promised his kids that he would not take his life, in particular Lindsey, because he said he wanted to be a good example to her. He did not want her to think it was ok to take her life. Lindsey shares the same diagnosises that Jeff had. He did not want his kids to think it was alright to take their lives as a way of dealing with their problems.  He had actually talked to Lindsey about cutting, which she does, and ruled  cutting out as a way to ease his own suffering. This is documented in his journals. When I read this entry in his journal I remembered having overheard this conversation. I shook my head and thought about how I had never once considered his inquiry as something he could of been considering for himself.

My friends don't understand why I panic when the kids call scared that they might hurt themselves.  I take all of it seriously. I don't have the option of being cavalier about it.  You see, depressed people with suicidal tendancies can't really promise that they won't hurt themselves. It is a nice idea, but when they are in the full grip of the "tunnel vision" of suicidal ideation they no longer have control over the outcome. 

Emotionally healthy, reasonably thinking individuals tell their wife and family they are unhappy and ask for help. Better yet they get help. Both myself and my kids knew that something was not right, but he kept deflecting our questions by making us feel bad about questioning his intentions. Healthy people don't go tell everyone but their family what is on their mind and they sure as shit don't tell different stories to each person or group of persons. You don't solve your problems with alcohol, drugs, internet addiciton, affairs or co write erotic stories for publication with people you meet on the internet. People who want divorces ask their spouse for them like grown ups and they keep it between them and their spouse. Heathy people don't send copies of personal emails to anyone who will read it looking for a opinion on what was said, and they don't  forward correspondence which has been cut and pasted  to serve their own purpose. You don't tell everyone except your spouse that you are separated, divorced, or in the middle of an ugly divorce unless you are, hummm....maybe  having an affair(s)? I may be wrong, but this strikes me as something I should known about for it to "get ugly." Just for the record I offered him a divorce in February at which point I sent him a divorce kit along with a note telling him that if he was unhappy, he was going to be the one to file for divorce. He was not going to force me into being the one to do it. I was not the one who was unhappy. In fact I did not know what the fuck was going on. I actually offered him the house and all the equity in it so that he could  fund his dream and find some happiness. To give you an idea of how nuts things were; He told his one friend that I was taunting him with the divorce papers that I charged to out joint account and the other friend was told that he was separated and filing for divorce. He ignored me. You would think he would of jumped at the offer if that is what he really wanted. How does this all add up? In addition, the day he took his life, I had told him I had filed for divorce. Shouldn't he of been thrilled? Finally he was free of all the silent suffering I have heard so much about.  Sorry, but this just does not add up people. Don't make the mistake that I took one simple account and turned it around to suit my own needs. I know I was made out to be naive and stupid. Originally I was blindsided because I never questioned the trust I had in my husband, but once the dust settled I did the research. I checked and balanced everything that was said, done, and written and my view is as balanced as it can be under the circumstances. I also talked to everyone in the story except for his family. I got information about what they were told based on email correspondence and information provide to me from a friend who does talk to them. You are welcome to do the same. 

I personally have had a really hard time with the idea that Jeff suffered in silence. His suffering was always obvious. His depression was obvious. If Jeff was truthfully suffering in silence, and by that I mean not being forthright, then it was of his choosing. If Jeff was doing what society told him to do, instead of what he wanted to do, it was still his choice. If he was pretending to be someone other than who he was, then that choice belongs with him.  If his choices lead him to his demise then it was still of his choosing. The only thing I know for sure is what I was told and in all fairness we were all operating based on what we were told. What is the truth? I am willing to say that there is an element of truth in all of it. The bottomline; both myself and my children were living in a world that Jeff co-created. If Jeff wanted something other than what he had, it was his responsiblity to let us know and make then make the required changes. He was not a victim, but rather the perpetrator of a crime against himself. Suicide, in some circles, is believed to be anger turned inward. He would certainly be angry with himself if he had not been true to himself and worse yet unable or unwilling to communicate his needs to those around him.  This would certainly make sense in this senario. How do you tell your family that you have been lying to them for their entire lives and to their mother for 27 years? Don't condescend with the he was not lying to the children thing. That is crap. If you are living a lie everyone in the family is living the lie too.  Suicide it is said, is the one time in your life when you have absoulute control over your life. This makes sense too.

  I have found it amazing how Jeff's family was all of the sudden his new found confidents since he had told us that he did not want a relationship with them for the better part of the years we knew him. He told me, our kids and everyone else we knew, that his emotional problems came from being raised in his family of orgin and the Mormon church. I spent years trying to get him to have a relationship with his family against the better judgement of his doctors and then all of the sudden he was consulting with them about our marriage. He had told our son not to leave his young children alone with his brother, who had since became his best friend and confidant. His brother was the only one that "really loved him." Ok....... I can't count the times he drug us out of his parent's home when we had gone to visit because he was upset about something that had transpired there. We had no idea have the time what had transpired, all we knew is that we were leaving and now. The best part of all this is; what kind of family poisons a mans mind against his children? The very family that he had kept us away from and protected us from? the family that held a funeral over the top of the one we planned? The family that printed a picture of him  in his obiturary at the age of 17 instead of the man he had become because they did not like his long hair? Nevermind the fact that he had many accomplishments and had lived a good life dispite his long hair. Which of course validation of his worth is all he wanted from his family. His damned hair was all about rebelling against his family and the religion he held responsible for his suffering.  For God's sake, what is wrong with this picture? So much for the image of a perfect flawless family, oh wait, Jeff did manage to keep the perfect family facade in tact by continuing to keep up appearances.  What about these stories that he told us about his upbringing were they a lie too? What is the truth? You tell me? Better yet.... you can tell our kids what the truth is.

The point is, Jeff was not well and his legacy is such that my children are severely wounded. The children we raised and kept safe are no longer safe as a result of Jeff taking his life. How ironic. Everything  he worked so hard for, loved and protected bear the scars of his private battle.

For most of our lives together. We felt loved and respected.  We had a good life together. We shared many happy times. We had our ups and downs but we all adored him.We loved him. Jeff would be heart broken if he could see the damage that has been inflicted on so many people, but the saddest part for him would be knowing that his kids, whom he cherished,  now get to live with his legacy, the legacy that life is a choice and that they have the power to end it. I get to live with the fear that one of them may very well do it.

Jeff is gone and there is nothing anyone can do about it, however, I am going to protect my children, myself and those I love as best I can from ever having to live through this again. I know there are those people out there that feel that exposing Jeff's private battle and his trip into madness is disrespecting the dead. Think what you want. Jeff can't be hurt anymore by anybody and he can't be hurt by these writings. My children however can be and I am doing this for them. Living with the truth is far easier than living with a lie. I am sure Jeff would agree with this. We are not going to perpetuate the myth that Jeff was fine, that he was going back to church, that I killed him, that he was not a depressed person with suicidal tendencies or a person that did not have drug and alcohol addiciton problems. I am willing to say that he may have finally found his authentic self and was pissed that he had sold himself out and he blamed me or us for his choices. But this in no way justifes the way in which he went about it.  Taking his own life kept him from having to live through having his secret life revealed. Jeff's house of cards was coming down. He was going to be exposed for the person he really was for good or for bad. Jeff was all about being perceived as the good guy. He would just love that he was successful at having himself perceived as a martyr and then elevated to Sainthood. He engineered this. I get to, as I have always done, clean up the mess he left behind.

THIS IS THE TRUTH. 

Another truth; our denying his pain and suffering from an horrible illness before his death and continuing to deny his pain and suffering after his death IS dishonoring his memory.

Everytime Jeff said, "I am so tired, I don't have the energy I used too, I felt like the old Jeff today, maybe there is hope for me, maybe there is not, I woke up with panic last night, I could not sleep last night, I was too tired to go to work today, I am going to go take a nap in my car, I felt weepy all day, I threw up on the way to work when I remembered a dream, I threw up when I rode the bike today, I drove home drunk last night, I slept in my car, I am sick, I am bloated, I think I have hurt myself, I don't know what I said I was drunk, I don't have the heart for anything anymore, I don't fit in anywhere, there is no hope, the world is so fucked up and I see no hope, the poor kids I don't see how they are going to make it," he was telling us he was very sick. He was telling us that he had been self medicating. He did not have the blues....He was depressed beyond our understanding. He was telling us he was trying to escape his reality. He was in BIG TROUBLE.  

Do not ever dismiss a suicidal person. Yes it is an attention getting statement and well it should be. Ask how you can help if they are suicidal now and listen. Don't make it about you. Comments such as that is so selfish, and don't do that to me, force the suicidal person to go inside and shut you out. The chances of saving them just went way down.

In all fairness, because of Jeff's living arrangements, it was difficult to assess the situation. Everyone had a piece of the story but no one had the whole story. As far as I can tell the kids and I are were the only ones he told he was suicidal. We suspected if for a long time and then in a alcohol induced rage he told us his plans and why he thought he may not make it 7 more months. He wanted me to get a job so that he did not have to worry about how I was going to live, he had the kids move into the house so that we could help each other live, he told us that he had wanted to kill himself the end of his first year at Sony and how upset he was that they changed the life insurance policy. I don't know that he remembered telling us this, but we do. He went around the house crying and telling us all that he was sorry and that he loved us. It is our believe that he was telling us goodbye. This was December 26, 2006. 

Jeff used manipulation and story telling to drive wedges between all the people in this story so that we would not be communicating with each other. He was very, very smart about this. He told everyone what he thought they needed to hear and he became who they needed him to be. These wedges kept us all from putting together his plan. If we were not talking to each other he would not be found out. He used books to educate himself on how to exactly get this done. Amazing huh? Jeff learned everything from books. He loved them. It is not really surprising that this endeavor was like all the things he pursued; Well researched, thought out, flow charted and carried out to the desired result with perfection.

With the passing of time it becomes easier to detach emotionally from what may or may not of happened to the man I knew as my husband and best friend and become more objective about his final decent into such a seriously disturbed mental state that he chose to end his life. 

I have endlessly researched clinical depression, DID, borderline personality disorder, manic depression, and suicidal ideation. I have talked to just about everyone involved in the final two years of his life and I have been amazed and saddened by the trail of pain left behind by a man who would of never hurt anyone, least of all his children.  The only people who I have not had a conversation about Jeff's life or his death is his family, who have chosen, as usual, to place blame, instead of considering the possibility that they too may have been mislead by Jeff's illness. 

I know of at least 4 very distinct personalities that were active when Jeff died.  I am not a doctor, but I can tell you this, each person I talked to, that was actively having a relationship with Jeff at the time of his death, knows someone different. I mean really different. The only constant was how happy he appeared to be and how kind he was to everyone.  He had essentially told everyone what seems like, what he thought they wanted to hear. Jeff's son Jason said, "mom I am afraid to answer the phone because I don't know which dad I am going to get". Jason worried endlessly, everyday he came home and said, "mom, have you heard from dad today?" I found out later that his dad had been calling him at work and that sometimes he would call and yell at him out of the blue and then call back later in the same day and be nice dad and not mention the pervious conversation.  It was a very confusing time for all of us. 

Looking back, which I get to do a lot of now, I remember him telling me that he had gone and got a brain scan in 2003 because he thought there was something wrong with his brain. When he first mentioned doing this, I said, "oh, your just getting older like the rest of us", I did not realize that he was dead serious. He went ahead and got the brain scan and he did not tell me until late the following year. I apologized that I did not take him seriously. I did not realize that he was really flipping out that something was wrong with his brain. In the fall of 2004, he had sought out counseling but he got frustrated and said "fuck it, counseling is not helping". He committed himself at that point to not getting any help. He decided that there was no hope. At this time he was seriously suicidal and had not shared it with anyone.  He was actively coming up with suicide plan. He researched online extensively and he found his answer on the Hemlock Society webpage. He decided in August 2004 that he would take his life at the end of his first year at Sony. He told me that he would come home at the end of the first year at Sony. There is another suicide note, that I have not seen, but I have no reason not to believe it exsists, which was written and not sent to the receipient in April 2005. Which further validates Jeff's claim that he intended to kill himself the end of his first year at Sony.


When Jeff was living in La Mesa he was very unhappy living with a couple of other female (lesbian) roomates. He was afraid to leave his room and he became very dependant on the internet to keep him company and stave off his loneliness. He often referred back to how much he hated living there and how afraid he was of one of the women in particular. I have always thought that something piviotal had happened to him while living there. In talking to others, I have discovered that I am not the only person who thought something changed in him then. I believe that is where the zip file comes into play that is titled "for real this time" comes into play. All the email correspondence in that file correlates to the beginning of the radical personality changes that were soon to follow. This is also when Jeff purchased his first webcam. Which he shared  with me. Jeff also began having panic attacks everyday while living in La Mesa. He had tried to quit smoking while living there and he used alcohol to stop his jonesing. By the end of August 2004 he wondered outloud if had formed another addiciton. Jeff had smoked pot almost everyday I knew him to quiet his mind. When he went to CA he used alcohol instead. 

When Jeff did move from La Mesa he was so afraid of these two women that he had a planned escape. He shared it with me and then he kept his cell phone on his belt with it on while he moved out. It got really ugly.  He found a small apt up closer to work he moved everything in, stayed one night, got freaked out, and they he moved right out. He left his things while he came home for the weekend and went back and moved out. In the meantime, he lived out of the office and sent me links to prospective roommates and we decided upon trying to get the room in the place he was living when he died. Well, one of the many places he had been living, because he was not really "living" anywhere. This is validated by the police report following the investigation.

Jeff took a turn for the worse when the bank that held a second on our home decided to file foreclosure on us over a loan we had cosigned on for our son. It took us several months to resolve because the bank had no legal right to our house and we won the law suit but in the process I lost my husband. It cost us all of our retirement money and other resources to save the house. We were able to recover most of our resources but not before Jeff was devasted by the fallout. If I could sue the bank for a wrongful death, which I can't because of a condition we agreed to, I would. We had two attorneys who gave us very bad advice before we found a fantastic litagator who saved our house. In the meantime he told us that we did not need to liquidate all of our assets or touch our retirement money and that the other attorneys had screwed us out of that.  The first two attorneys told us we were going to have to file bankruptcy so we were told to stop paying all of our bills and to use our money to prepare for the bankruptcy. I was also told not to work until after the bankruptcy was settled. Our last attorney told us that we should save the house first, do everything to avoid bankruptcy, then settle on all of our accounts when the lawsuit was over which we did.  During this time Jeff had become very emotional and had many crying spells brought on by the stress of the situation and the loss of all he had worked for. His depression was deepening and his alcohol abuse escalated. He took the lawsuit very personal. Truth is the bank made a mistake and it cost us both dearly.  

I had a catering business that in the year of 2004 finally turned a profit, which it was not supposed to do. It was designed as a tax shelter. I remember telling Jeff, "damnit...we made money, we have to find more receipts!" It was a scramble, but we skimmed thru. It had taken me 3 years to turn a profit which is really good for a food industry, but bad if it is a tax shelter. I wish I could of convinced Jeff to just come home and keep the business going. I closed it because I was planning on moving to be with my husband.  For some reason, I was never able to get Jeff to look at the financial records and he wanted a profit loss statement in some mystery format he never disclosed. However, I did keep records and I did all the taxes at which time the profit and loss showed up when it came time to file our taxes, which was only required for the size of my business once a year and at the beginning of the year. The reason I am sharing this information is because Jeff was very angry over the fact that I did not file a profit and loss statement, but it was done every year by myself and our tax accountant. I also know that this was presented as one of the excuses he used for some of his decisions.  I will tell you that by this time he was not keeping facts straight about a lot of things, like who he said what too or who he gave what money too and when I mentioned that he did not have it right he would get pissed, but he did not have it right. 

Before Jeff left for CA he would help me on jobs, well and even after he left, when he came home he would help me. He was particularly fond of bartending. He went to the Rocky Mountain Bartending school when he thought he was going to get laid off from Microsoft as an emergency back up plan.  He told his parents that he was going to go to bartending school, and they said "don't become an alcoholic, uncle so and so became and alcoholic".  Which reminds me of another conversation. When Jeff told his parent's that he was moving away to work and that he was going to commute, his parents said, "don't go out there and have an affair, so and so moved to the east and decided to commute and he ended up having an affair and they got a divorce." Jeff said, "oh no, that will never happen to us."  I find it interesting that he went out and did both of those things. I mentioned it to him once and he said he had had questioned himself about what they may have said about him and his relationship with his parents. 

You know no ones life is perfect and without problems, but some people are not strong enough to live thru all lifes challenges. Jeff felt that he was not suited for this life. It was a constant struggle for him. He was also very hard on himself. He was the one that created the knight in shining armor facade and we all believed him. He wanted to be the knight but the years of keeping up the facade took its toll.


In the book the FINAL EXIT, it tells you everything you need to know to take your life, which included instructions on how to push the people you love away from you. It also tells you what to look for in your life insurance policy and so forth

As with any suicidal person, Jeff was indifferent about living. Some days he wanted to live other days he did not care. He had been on a self destructive course for a long time before he actually took his life.  Death was inenvitalbe one way or the other. He was drinking beyond what his body could handle. The drinking changed him. His brain chemistry was already in a crisis and the alcohol opened the door for the monster that layed wait in his phsyche. He had been on prozac since 1992, which he did not always take as prescribed and he changed his own dosages. Jeff was not under a doctors care when he passed and had not had his prescription monitored for years. Everyone knows that prozac can cause suicidal tendencies. In addition, Jeff was routinely taking xanax, which is a central nervous system depressant, again, not taking it as prescribed and often abusing it. Keep in mind, he was doing all of this while drinking, heavily drinking.  In addition, Jeff had a prescription for stratterra, a drug used to treat attention deficiet hyperactive disorder. This essentially gave him a speedy type of buzz. On the days he took it, he would tell me that he felt like the old Jeff. Also, Jeff had been self medicating with other drugs he had purchase over the counter. He had several bottles of a testosterone supplement that said right on the container, "Do not use while on antidepressants".  I also will tell you that the prescribing doctor could also be held accountable for prescibing phychiatric drugs without any followup. The doctor was also a general practitioner with little or no experience with phyco active drugs. One could make a case for his willingness to prescibe these drugs as a contribution to Jeff's death. Anyone with as serious of mental health issues as Jeff had should be seen regularly by a physco-pharmacologist/phychiatrist.

Jeff knew he was dying. He said as much to me and a couple of other people.  I had a conversation with him where he told me that he thought he had hurt himself and that he had become an alcoholic.  
He was repeatedly offered help, some of us called doctors and tried to get him to go get help. He did not want help. He was tired and the idea of going thru any type of rehab, inpatient physciatric care and so forth sounded like too much work.  Not to mention, he had been out participating in a number of self destructive activities. The person I knew would of passed judgement on the people who were doing the very things he had been doing and he said as much in his journal. The person I knew would not of been able to live with himself and maybe he didn't.

One experience that has been relayed to me about Jeff that further implies serious mental illness, is the story about a trash can.  At the bottom of his trash can, was two entire post it note pads all written on, separated and stuck to the can. The note read, same note on each piece of paper, "your emission was enough"...J.  I also heard another simular tale, except he had written his name, over and over again...Jeffrey D Harward, Jeff Harward, JD Harward, JDH, J......and so on.

The Jeff living in CA was the antithesis of the person I knew, or anyone else knew, that had known Jeff for most of his life. Everyone who loved and knew Jeff prior to his moving to CA are convinced that he finally gave way to the dark side that had taunted him for the better part of his adult life.  Jeff had tried to kill himself the first time when he was 17 by overdosing on speed. One of his good friends who was in a band with him, shared with me his experience of finding Jeff in the bathroom at their apartment watching his blood run down the sink after he had cut his wrists. I experienced a number of occassions where Jeff's dark showed itself. I had seen the dark side a few time while we were married and there was no mistaking it.  These periods during our marriage led to an inpatient stay for being suicidal and many years of counseling around his depression. You know, I think Jeff had dysthemia, a mild form of depression which is not cyclical and always there and then he had the major depressive episodes caused by the clinical depression. I believe he had another form of mental illness that went undiagnoised. I suspect borderline personality disorder with narcissitic tendencies. I have read many stories simular to mine and I have talked to several people who have experience very simular experiences and it seems to fit. It could of been schizophrenia (its in his family) or possible DID. Alcoholism however has very simular characteristics to DID.

The tormented life of a suicidal person is not only difficult for the sick person but for those they love and live with. Often the people closest to these people are the most tormented by the sick persons demons. It is not an easy life. I don't regret for one minute my choice to live with and love the man I knew as Jeff despite his struggle with his mental health.  I had many happy years and wonderful times with Jeff.  I learned so much from him that I have the tools and the courage to move on.  I adored him. The most valuable skill I learned from him was reading. He taught me that knowledge is power, and he was right.I wonder sometimes how many times he contemplated suicide and how many times he made plans and did not keep them. How many times had he made attempts without my knowledge that failed. They say that by the time a person actually completes their suicide they have have lived it out many times in their heads and if they have had failed attempts it increases the likelyhood they will be successful in the future. It is a type of mental conditioning that prepares them to complete the act. Someone naively told me that suicide is completed out of anger. Not so. Suicide is completed when a precipatative event meets opportunity and the precipatative event is something that the suicidal person is looking for to complete their plans to take their life. 

Something I found interesting, that I am still processing is the number of books on how to not be lied to and or decieved by anyone that Jeff had in his library. These were in the boxes of the books he brought home from Microsoft and I brought home from San Diego. And then there were the books on how to manipulate people and essential use them to get what you want. There were about twelve of them and all of them were purchased with in the last 3 years of his life.

I was talking with the HR Dept at Sony recently and found out that Jeff  could of taken off up to a year off work at 75% of his pay. I also found out the Sony would of paid for rehab and all the inpatient, outpatient care Jeff would of needed.  The HR representative told me that Sony would not of let Jeff go over either issue. It is highly regulated in CA. In addition, Jeff had state of the art medical care available to him right there in CA he refused it.  I wondered for a minute if Jeff knew all this and then I thought, he was smart, he knew it.

One thing I feel really sad about, and maybe its weird, but there were a lot of people hurt by Jeff's actions that I don't even know who I feel for. So many people in CA did not know Jeff well enough to know he was in trouble because they had no point of reference.  He had a lot of friends who he knew via the internet who genuinely cared about him, loved him and miss him greatly.  A large swath of emotional distruction that cut so deep and everyone wondering what happened and who or what to believe. 

Also something else that is on my mind, a number of Jeff's personal items including his full development computer system, his keyboard and a lot of personal items like his razor has not been accounted for. All the evidence points towards another player in the game, such as another women, another place of residence or a friend who he may have taken comfort in or agreed to move in with.  I would appreciate it if anyone knows anything about where all the items are it would be greatly appreciated.  It is kind of stressful knowing that there may be yet another shoe drop. I am not the only person who believes that this may be the case and we would appreciate it if anyone who may know what happend to these items just let us know so we can have closure.

Here is what I do know. Jeff was a kind, loving, generous man, who would of  NOT purposely hurt anyone.  Jeff had always had a high moral character and he was never known to lie. In fact lying was the only thing that our children would get into serious trouble with him on. Jeff had never drank alcohol except for an occassional beer up until he moved away to work. Jeff was a workaholic. Jeff had always treated me with love and respect and even up until the end I knew that he was concerned for my well being.  Jeff loved his children and I had never known him to talk smack about them.  He did however, have a strained relationship with his family of origin, especially his dad, but he did love them and he struggled his whole life to come to terms with his relationship with them. Even though Jeff was the prodical son, he went over to his parent's house regularly and helped his dad around the yard and his fix its. Jeff was a talented muscian and gardener. He loved spending money on his friends and showing them a good time. 
Jeff was very supportive in all my artistic pursuits. He went to all my art opening and had no problem sporting an apron when necessary. He was very generous with his time when I was working on a charitable cause. He was very generous with his money and he shared it time and time again with people in need, often at his own expense. I also know that Jeff never did very well with change and he often waited until it was a crisis to make a change. He hated to admit defeat because he hated failure. He had an image to maintain. I also know that he always said that he preferred being alone, but I don't believe that. I think that he learned to say that when he was young to survive, but the truth is he was very co-dependant. Because he was so smart, he was a little short on common sense and he was very hard on himself. 

There are some people, and they know who they are, who were hurt worse than others by Jeff's decision to end his life. In the early days and weeks following Jeff's death many things were said and done that may have further hurt you. That was never mine nor my children's intentions and if that happened I am sorry. At that time, no one knew who to trust or what to believe because of what they had been told or led to believe, and this true of the people who befriended Jeff. In all fairness, try to put yourself in our position for a moment, both myself, my children and Jeff's friend Jack were confronted for the first time with Jeff's multiple realities when we went to San Diego to retrieve his things and take home his remains. I want to thank everyone who was so kind and helpful and I would especically like to thank the person responsible for returning one of Jeff's lanterns so that all of my children will have one as part of their dad's legacy.

One final note, I want you to know that each one of you in CA in something that in some way extended Jeff's life if only for a few days or weeks and for that I am greatful. One person in particular took a particulary hard fall and I want to say again, that I am sorry that she had to be the person to find Jeff and that I am greatful for her willingness to help us by going looking for him.  She saved everyone at Sony from finding him at work on Monday.  I also appreciated the time that she took to help me make sense of things by sharing her story with me. 

Thanks Again....Dawn



I

January 2004 the card reads...."Come Fly with Me! I Love you babe, Jeff"
December, 2004, "Christmas is not Christmas with out you, Love Jeff". March 2005, "Smile, you are Loved! Happy Birthday, Babe! Its been a tough year-we've grown in many ways tho! Wishing you a great Birthday! Hugs and kisses, Love Jeff.  Sigh....wow seems like another life now, someone elses life. The year has gone by one painful minute, hour, day at a time. 

I have been thinking about the fact that Jeff and I were twenty years old when we met, more than half of our lives. Things were so simple back then and fun. Everyday was a new day, a joyful adventure and the future was ours. Damned did we have fun! Jeff had a aire of self confidence that was irristable. He was beautiful to look at, soft features, a strong jawline, a beautiful smile and my personal favorite a cute butt.
He had a cocky walk and his presence filled a room. I was always proud to be seen with him. When I first met him, he was in a very popular local band called, Roundabout. He played the keyboards. He always wanted to play guitar but the keyboard was his real passion. He also played the flute. He did learn to play the accoustic guitar and I finally bought him his own guitar just before Auriel was born in 1986. I called his guitar the lady in red.

When I first met Jeff he was in college learning electronics and he worked at a local grocer where he was a butcher. I would pull up to visit him at lunch and he would come out with his apron wrapped around him (three times because he was so thin), and his big white hair do and I thought, he looks like a Q-tip, so I nicknamed him Q-Tip. We started spending so much time together that we began living together. Pretty soon, neither one of us had jobs and Jeff decided he did not want to take the last semester of classes because he did not want to learn about TV repair. Those were crazy fun days. It was all the more fun knowing that we were "living in sin". in the middle of Utah County in Utah, also known as , "Happy Valley".  I was an evil outsider, I moved to Utah from the dreaded place called, California.  Funny thing is, I never knew anyone who did drugs or drank until I moved to Utah. 


Jeff and I were both raised Mormon. We shared simular family and moral values as well as our views of the world. At that time we both were questioning our religious believes and we spent a lot of time talking about it. Eventually we would both had our names removed from the records of the church, Jeff first, I followed him a year later.  We each had our own reasons and they were very different from each other. Jeff made the final decison when he decided to be inciated into the Wiccan religion. He felt he had finally found a spiritual belief system that he could relate to. He craved spirituality. I on the other had left because I just simply could not buy into it. Jeff and I had both questioned it at very young ages. I think you could safely say that at one point, it was he and I against the world. It felt like that. 

A few things have been sticking out in my mind lately. I remember when Jeff told me about how he had been treated growing up by his peers. He was called twinkle toes and he had been stuffed in his locker for being femine looking, well, and a little femine in his way. He also felt that he did not fit into the local culture, his religion or that fact his family. He told me one day he was so fed up that he decided he was no longer going to be victimized by anyone. He said, "I am not going to be as good as everyone else, I am going to be better than everyone else." Notice how that kind of hangs in the air? He would spend the rest of his life trying to live up to his own expectations, which of course he could never meet because he constantly raised the bar on himself and made it impossible to ever meet.

Jeff did not just play the piano he mastered it and he started by playing
Classical Gas, which he got his mom to teach him a bar at time. He dropped out of college and began studying on his own and he quickly moved thru the high tech industry to the top gig in the high tech industry as a computer game programmer all without a college education. He was totally self taught. Jeff had always been fascinated with plant life and he loved green houses. He loved the smell of life plants and wet dirt. He kind of fooled around with plants for a long time and then one day.....he decided to grow plants. Holy cow, we had an automated green house on timers and a automatic drip system. We had a cold frame with heat lamps and a cactus house with an automated cooling system and a heater. He did not grow just any plants, but tropical plants, in Utah! Bananas, canna lillies, bird of paradise, cacti, waterlilies, hibiscus...needless to say we were the talk of the hood. He was written up in the local newspaper and our garden was a regular stop on the kindergarten field trip in the spring. Oh, did I mention the ponds? or the porch fountain? or the hanging plant baskets?

It did not matter what Jeff decided to accomplish he never settled for less than being better than anyone else. These are just a few examples of the way he was driven and obsessed with perfection and approval. The sad part is he was really talented, intelligent and better than anyone else and he could not ever give himself the credit he deserved. 
This decision made as a teenager drove him his entire life. It drove him right into the hands of hopelessness(because he did not allow himself to acknowledge his accomplishments), helplessness (as the facade he took on as a teenager began to fall), and it lead him to the ultimate betrayal of his true self, which he never allowed anyone to see.  I knew who he was and that is the person I married. Jeff let me know that he was suicidal because he also knew that I knew him. Another important point. Failed belongingness. Jeff never felt like he fit in anywhere. He repeatedly said as much. He said he did not fit in at work, he did not fit in his family, he did not fit in this time and space, he did not fit in his community, he never measured up to others standards, he was not good enough, smart enough, need I go on. His journal writings amount to nothing more than him evaluating and re-evaluating these same issues over and over again. It was nothing but a hopeless circle of helplessness and failed belongingness and his struggle to justify living. I guess this is the place where I say, I wonder if things would be different if I violated his privacy and read his journals? They were always right there next to the bed. 

I loved Jeff, I love him still. He was the most important thing in my life. If I have any regrets at all it would be not insisting that he stay with his family and friends in Utah or take all of us.  His intentions were good. He just wanted to take care of his family and at the time he could see no other options.  He later regreted the decision to live away and he thought that he had not fully considered the decision to do so. Jeff's ego would not allow him to admit that he had made a mistake and return to Utah. For months he had written about missing his home, family and friends and then it just stops. The next thing he began writing about was suicide. 

I want everyone to know that I loved Jeff with all my heart. I would of given my own life for him. I used to think about how hard it would be to live without him and here I am doing it. I know it sounds trite, but you know that song where it says, "I am everything I am because you loved me", in my case it is the truth. That is not a co-dependant statement, it is a statement to the challenges and rewards of having been married to someone you do love. In pretty women (Jeff loved that movie), at the end when they get back together and he says something about being rescued and she says that she rescues him right back, that defines our relationship. He was broken and I was lost and somehow we made it work. No, not somehow, we loved each other, we were best friends and we both believed in home, family and happily everafter(translation, we did the work). Jeff drove in, picked me up in his "white knight" as he called his monte carlo and we drove off into the Arizona sunset. 


Heres some things that need some clearing up:

Jeff and I were never separated because I refused to move to Hawaii or California or anywhere else. We never had a conversation about being separated. We were not divorced and we had not discussed divorce. We were not in the middle of a messy divorce. We were not fighting.I talked to Jeff everyday at least once.  Jeff came home and we spent time together as well as a family. Jeff did not go back to Utah and stay with his elderly parents, he stayed with me in our home in Utah. Jeff had developed a better relationship with his mother at my urging because I knew he was in trouble. Jeff had a strained troubled relationship for as long as I have known him and before according to Jeff with his parents. He actually did not talk to them for at least two years at one point.  Jeff longed for his dad's unconditional love and approval which he felt he never had and he gave up trying in December 2005. I was a working mom for the last 15 years of our marriage. I did have a job and I did contribute to the family budget. I also had a catering business that last 5 years and I did keep financial records. Jeff hated me working because he felt that somehow he did not make enough money. In the early days, he flat out would not let me work. Jeff sent me copies of all his flight itineraries including those to PA. He called me from San Diego, Las Vegas, PA, and when he was camping. The subject of divorce only came up after I told him I was going to let somebody at this work know he was suicidal.  I did not ask for a divorce when he confided in me about his affair, which was the second week of June 2006. I did file for fault divorce in Utah the Friday before he died. I filed for a fault divorce hoping to get the judge to get him in for some phyciatric help and rehab for his drug and alcohol problem. He was never going to get well without it. It was my last ditch effort to save him from himself, not necessarily have him stay with me. I just wanted him to live. Jeff knew when he died that I had filed for divorce, this should of made him happy if it is truly what he wanted, but instead he chose to die. I never told him I filed a fault divorce and I did not tell him that I had gotten a protective order. Jeff did say in his journal that he was on a self destructive course for a long time now and that his actions were what he believed a subconscience way to force the T (termination).


THE MOST HURTFUL LIE THAT IS OUT THERE IS THE ONE WHERE JASON MAY NOT BE OR IS NOT JEFF'S SON. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH THIS LIE, BUT JASON IS JEFF'S SON. NO QUESTION. CAN ANYONE OUT THERE UNDERSTAND HOW THIS HAS DEVASTATED JASON. WHAT WOULD MOTIVATE JEFF TO SAY SOMETHNG LIKE THIS? ALCOHOL? DRUGS? INSANITY? WHY WOULD HE KNOWINGLY HURT JASON? WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT? 

Jeff would of never hurt any of his children for any reason. If he was guilty of anything it was being too generous and not being able to say no to them. They were his reason for living and everyone who knew Jeff knows this.

Jeff loved his family....he used to call us his little tribe..he said that the word family did not mean much to him....but a tribe was a group where everyone had a place and had value.  He also said family was a way of being, a family was a group of people who loved and took care of each other. He said, just because your related does not make you family. 

Over the years these ideas were expressed over and over. My kids have aunts and uncles who are not blood related. People who love them as their own. We have friends who are family...people who are always there and show their unconditional love for all of us. Unconditional love....yes UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.....that was what Jeff needed and wanted.  That is what he gave to everyone one around him and was very much loved and respected in return. 

Family.....well families are all different in the way they experience the world.  A sense of belonging, unconditional love and respect for our differences are all part of a healthy familial experience. When children are deprived of this, or at least believe they are, unhealthy emotional states begin to emerge to cope. Children begin to believe that they are unworthy of love and happiness and this continues into their adulthood. Depression is often the result. 


Jeff made sure that all of us felt loved and secure. He told us often and showed us all the time how much he loved us. Unfortunately there were times that this was at his own expense. He was afraid to say no for fear we would not love him, or communicate his needs, for fear we would not love him. He learned early in life that love was conditional. He spent his life trying to prove he was worthy. He hated the term worthy. If you wanted to see him get on a soap box....bring up the term worthy.

Jeff's circle of friends is wide and varied. He love talking to bums. He said he learned a lot from them. He would sometimes pay for groceries for people who did not have enough money who were ahead of him in line.
He very much believed in tithing, he donated for years to the Native American Elders program out of Park City. He also paid tiths when we went to the unity church and he was known around our neighborhood for being very generous when someone was taking donations to help someone else.  He bought school clothes for a friend of mine and paid their school fees so they could go to school. On many occassions he had taken all of the kids friends to lagoon whose parents could not afford to pay for them. He was the "shit" to quote them.

Jeff would be very proud to know that his daughters are working to help others by volunteering to participate in the OUT OF DARKNESS WALK. They are networking like crazy on myspace and are finding other young people out there who have suffered the same loss. Lindsey is building a website by which they can continue to honor their dad, as I am, by educating people about depression and suicidal ideation. 

Jack said right after Jeff passed, "Jeff was always teaching us new and interesting things". He said this was just one more thing Jeff was teaching us. The best way to honor him is to not pass judgement on things we don't understand and to learn from it. Not to place blame, because depression and suicidal ideation is an illness  just like cancer. To love unconditionally and with no regret. To love and respect everyone even if it is challenge. Then READ, become knowledgable about mental illness and then tell everyone you know.  Let's put a face on suicide and take it "OUT OF THE DARKNESS".