As the days pass and the pain of grief slowly begins to make a retreat it is easier to find forgiveness in my heart. I know that my writings have been all over the place and so it has been in my mind. It has been hard to reconcile the man I knew and loved versus the man that I found living in California. The suicide has been the easiest part of this tragic loss. I had a some point in our married life made peace with the possibility of suicide, betrayal, however had never really crossed my mind. It was hard enough to live through his death, but the death of the love we shared, the friendship we had enjoyed and the breakup of our family was far more devastating.
Today as I am preparing to return to Pima College after a 15 year break I find myself wanting to make peace with Jeff. This means forgiveness. Forgiveness is never easy. I want to be forgiven as well for what ever part I may have unwittingly played in this drama.
Jeff,
I want you to know that I loved you with all of my heart. You were the love of my life even if it were to be true that I was not yours. To your credit, I always felt loved, respected and valued. You supported me in so many ways, but the support that meant the most to me was the support of my artistic endeavors.
I am sad that you felt that I was emotionally unavailable to you. I know this because you sought love and compassion from others. I did not realize until recently how unloving that I had become. I never stopped loving you, I just think that you felt that I did not understand your pain, and you are right I did not understand your pain. No one understood your pain. It must of been horrible to be in such pain and to have NO ONE understand what it was like to be you. I can't imagine living everyday feeling condemned to live. I remember when you told me that you thought something was wrong with your brain, I thought you were like the rest of us, slowing down, not trying to hold on. When I said that the good news was that no matter how old we got, you would always be smarter than us, I meant it. Who truthfully would of thought that you were losing your grip on reality. No one we knew. We all thought you had it so together. You hid it well.
I am sorry that I had gotten so caught up in my own life that I was no longer there for you. In all fairness, you had not been there for me in a long time. Your workaholism pretty much put the skids on any assemblence of a traditional family life. The kids and I had one, but you were emotionally and physically unavailable to us. We missed you, lots. We always wanted you to be with us, but work always with very few exceptions, prevailed. You forced us to create a life without you in it.
I know that your intentions were always good, even if things did not turn out the way you had hoped. We all understood that your drive to succeed was driven by your need to feel accepted and loved. Your long unfullfilled desire to feel unconditional love from your family of origin went unfullfilled. I tried. I told dad what you needed to hear as a last ditch effort to save you. I guess you had told them I was crazy. Funny thing, this won't surprise you, they went into denial that I had ever told them you were suicidal. You know, your family is perfect. No problems in the Harward home. I called Juele too, but of course, you know that. You successfully threw her off too. Lord knows what you told Kay the night we had him come to take you to the hospital. Sorry, we are not going to take the heat for not trying to save you. We are not going to feel guilty for the choice you made. This belongs to you Jeff. Taking responsiblity for your life and the condition it was in was up to you. If you were unhappy, it was up to you to fix it. We were never very good at mind reading, as far as I can, most people aren't.
After much research I now have a better understanding of your suffering. I have been sad about how much I knew and yet knew nothing that could of possibly helped save you from yourself. I can't believe that we could go to so many counseling sessions, group therapy, family therapy, most of which was done while you were in the hospital for suicidal ideation, and not be taught a thing about how to help you should you go into crisis. Not one damned thing! Now I know more than anyone will problably every need to know about prevention. Not that it will help you, but it will help protect our children.
Jeff, I miss you terribly some days and other days I can't really remember you at all. It gets distressing at times. I have had the opportunity to really get clear on what happend and how I might of contributed and the truth is, it is hard for me to see where anything I did could justify your taking your life. Sorry. But I am not taking the blame. We had an ordinary family with ordinary family problems. Truthfully nothing that everyone we knew had not experienced. Hell we had very few bills, no real credit card debt, a modest house and a large income. Our life was easy comparatively speaking. The bottomline, if you had taken time to be in the famliy not circling around us you would of reaped the benefits of being in a family and not just throwing money our direction. It was a sad day when I had to explain to you what the kids meant when they said that they just wanted you to come home, and that money was not as important to them as you were. Admit it, that is some fucked up values.
So about forgiveness; I have beat the hell out of myself trying to come to terms with all the craziness. I know it in my heart who you really were. I believe that your demise was decided once you crossed your own moral and ethical code in August 2004. All the documentation you left behind supports that and it makes infinitely more sense than belieiving all the tale tales I have heard. I can't imaging you living with the guilt. I don't think you did. That is why you became a alcoholic to control your anxiety and forget your troubles. Next thing you know your depression is worsened by the alcohol intake. Now you are crying all the time and your judgment becomes clouded, your mind starts to make excuses for your bad behavior. The poor sad me story starts to take form. Next thing you know, the alcohol is thinking for you. Your inhibition are gone and so is your self respect. I can't see you living with this, and I know that you can't live know this. I suppose it don't really matter, after all you were destined to kill yourself anyway. What is it you said, "all these activities were a subconsciencous way to force the "T." (termination).
It is hard to forgive you if I think of it in terms of the betrayal, but if I remember that you were sick and that your decisions and actions were a part of your illness it is easier for me to accept and to give forgiveness. I have to remember that I lived with you for a long time and I did know that you had been tormented by your demons for most of your life. It should really come as no surprise that this how you were to meet your end. I just had no idea how ugly things could get.
Jeff, as I start my new life, which has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, I want you to know that I loved you and that I would of done anything, and you know this, to protect you. Remember, you knew me too. You knew the kind of person I am. I would of done whatever you asked me to do. I had a long history of doing just that. I supported all your decisions and I always deferred to you for the final say. I never even bought so much as couch without your permission, and you knew this. You just could not say no.
So, Jeff, I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. The suicide, the betrayal and my character assassination. The character assassination is probably the hardest thing to forgive. I understand that the suicide was a result of the depression and drug addiction, the affairs were a result of the loneliness and isolation you felt, but the character assassination was not even really necessary except to maybe justify your bad behavior. This has been the biggest obstacle to my ability to forgive and move on. I know who I am, what I said and did and that is all that truly matters. Those who know me and love me, the people that really matter, know this as well. I know that the man I was married to knew this too. I guess one thing that saved me was the video of the pageant where they did the voice over and you publicly declared your love for me and described all the things you loved about me. My character is one of them. What a joy to have found that tape.
All my love.....to my Great Husbando! The love of my life. I always felt like I was the love of your life, even if it was not the case. One thing is for certain, I know that I loved you and that I was happy and for that I am greatful! Thank you for the great kids and the chance to grab the golden ring for myself as I forge ahead with my new life.
Love Always and Forever, to my best friend and soul mate....Dawn
The Gift / Dawn Harward (wife) The Gift
You know I have spent a lot of time feeling scared and helpless. The last couple of years was like being tossed into a pool with no idea how to swim and a strong desire to live and that's about it. I figured out how to tread water, but I was getting so tired. Basically what I had to do was to accept my fate or find a life boat because I was going down and fast.
You know, I never had felt that kind of depression before, blues yes, but not depression. I got to thinking that I needed to go that far to learn how to live again. I got a glimpse into the world in which Jeff had been living and my eyes and my heart were opened. I began to see the gift in the dark, to quote Carl Jung. Remember my last art exhibit, how ironic is that? SHADOW CHASING. Jeff gave me the freedom to become all I have ever dreamed of being, he gave his life so that I have the freedom to do it, I now feel a responsibility to live my best life not only by honoring him in death but as the mother of our children who still look to me for guidance. I remembered on day when when Auriel said to me, "mom it feels like our family is falling apart". Translation, mom, your falling apart. I knew what I needed to do right then. Recognition was one thing, putting into practice was another. You know you have done ok with your children when they say things like, "its as if dad transferred his pain onto us" (Auriel). You have to wonder who is teaching who now.
I met a women last Sunday at Church, turns out that she has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation all of her life. She came and found me. When she asked how I came be living here she began to cry. Coincidence. Probably not. While I was talking to her I remembered one of my life lessons I learned while living here when the children were young. I went on a field trip with Jason to the Saguaro National Monument East. The saguaro is a dinosaur to the plant world. The desert has a amazing eco system (as they all do), but their story touched me. Did you know that the saguaro has a parent plant? It is the Palo Verde tree. The Palo Verde tree is the life support system for the young saguaro. The Palo Verde tree ultimate dies once its life purpose is fullfilled and the saguaro gets old enough to stand on its own. Now, the saguaro has strong survival skills. When the rains come, they store in there internal membranes, as much water and nutrients they can get inside themselves. They fatten right up and look healthy as can be, but intuitively they know that their will be a time when these things will not be so readily available to them. They know they live in a desert. So when things get dark and there is nothing outside of them to sustain them, guess where they go? In. They go inside. They have all they need inside of them to survive their drought. Now is that not a valuable life lesson? Is that not a good example of the divine order of things? This same order is at work in our lives true? Good story huh?
Jeff was my Palo Verde Tree. He stood beside me until his life purpose had been realized and I was strong enough to stand on my own and display my own greatness. If I live as the mighty saguaro I will become strong and I will always have what it takes inside of me to live thru the deserts of my life in contrast to the times in life when I have a rich forest of abundance.
To fully appreciate the wonder of life we must experience all things in contrast. We cannot experience joy without pain. How would we know the light if we never experienced darkness? How would we know love if we never felt hate?
The spring equinox is just around the corner. The long dark nights of winter will soon give way to the the light of spring. Spring is the rebirth of all that appears to be dead yet lives. The desert is rich with life lessons. Soon the desert flora will put forth blossoms an amazing feat by my estimation. Think about it, some of the harshest condition for florishing are believed by many to be in the desert. The plants and animals have learned to support each others survival thru some very harsh conditions. Each plant and and animal plays a role in each others survival. Now that spring has arrive the cycle of life begins again. The desert lay what appears lifeless all winter and then one day the plants are covered with the some of the most beautiful blossoms you will ever see. They can easily rival a uppety orhcid, which are fragile even under the best of conditions. I like to think of the desert this way; the plants live under some of the harshest conditions and yet somehow they find a way to blossom in the spring. They live in harmony with the divine nature of things and in that knowing survive. No they don't survive.....they know how to live. They trust that things are as they should be.
Jeff lives on in all of us. Let Jeff's light shine past his dark winter night. Let his light illuminate our lives!
Blessed Be!
Dawn
Donation of Jeff's Journals and Correspondence / Dawn Harward (Wife) AFTER MUCH RESEARCH AND SOUL SEARCHING I HAVE DECIDED TO DONATE ALL OF JEFF'S JOURNALS TO A RESEARCH HOSPITAL. WHILE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND MAKE SENSE OUT OF JEFF'S DEATH, I DISCOVERED THAT IT WAS A RARE OCCASSION TO HAVE A SUCH A WELL DOCUMENTED SUICIDE BY SUICIDAL PERSON WHO ACTUALLY COMPLETED SUICIDE. I BEGAN BY CONTACTING SEVERAL RESEARCH HOSPITALS INCLUDING JOHN HOPKINS, DUKE, U OF SAN DIEGO AND YALE UNIVERSITY. I HEARD BACK FROM ALL BUT DUKE. I HAVE DECIDED TO SEND ALL OF JEFF'S JOURNALS, NOTES,DRAWINGS, INSTANT MESSAGES, AND EMAILS TO YALE. I HAVE JOURNALS DATING ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE EARLY 80'S. THEY ALSO HAVE THE CAPABILITY OF DECODING THE PAGES AND JOURNALS WRITTEN IN A VARIATION ON A TOLKEIN SCRIPT. JEFFS ILLNESS IS OBVIOUS IN HIS WRITINGS AND SUICIDE IS ALWAYS NUMBER 1 ON HIS OPTION LISTS. THEY HAVE A ACTIVE STUDY ON SUICIDAL IDEATION IN PROGRESS NOW. I HAVE DOCUMENTED ALL MY PERSONAL RESEARCH AND INCLUDED A LIST OF ALL THE BOOKS IN JEFF'S LIBRARY. IN ADDITION I INCLUDED A COPY OF THE AUTOPSY REPORT AND THE DEATH CERTIFICATE. I HAVE REQUESTED COPIES OF THE BRAIN SCAN HE HAD IN LATE 2003 ALONG WITH HIS MEDICAL RECORDS INCLUDING THOSE FROM A PHYSC HE SAW IN SLC AND SAN DIEGO DURING THE LAST 6 YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
JEFF'S SUICIDE HAS SEVERAL FACTORS THAT THE UNIVERSITY IS INTERESTED IN. SUICIDE IS ONE, MULTIPLE ADDICTIONS INCLUDING, DRUG, ALCOHOL, WORKAHOLISM, INTERNET AND ......... JEFF TALKS ABOUT HIS ADDICTIONS IN HIS JOURNALS. JEFF ALSO HAD A DIAGNOISED MENTAL ILLNESS AND IT IS SUSPECTED THAT HE HAD ANOTHER UNDIAGNOISED ILLNESS. YALE WILL MAKE A COMPLETE DIAGNOSIS AND IT WILL EVENTUALLY MAKE ITS WAY TO THE RESEARCH LIBRARY.
KNOWING JEFF AND HIS PREOCCUPATION WITH THE BRAIN/MIND IT MADE SENSE TO ME TO DONATE HIS JOURNALS FOR THE PURP0SE OF RESEARCHING THE MIND/BRAIN. MY OTHER THOUGHT IS ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER LINDSEY WHO SHARES THE SAME DIAGNOSIS AS JEFF. WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF THEY FOUND SOMETHING THAT COULD HELP LINDSEY LIVE A LONG HAPPY LIFE?
WHEN I STARTED LOOKING INTO DOING THIS I HAVE FOUND MYSELF WISHING THAT I HAD THOUGHT TO DONATE HIS BRAIN TO SCIENCE. I THINK HE WOULD OF LIKED THAT. I DON'T THINK HE WOULD OF LIKED HIS PRIVATE LIFE MADE PUBLIC, BUT I DO KNOW THAT IF HE THOUGHT HE COULD KEEP SOMEONE FROM SUFFERING THE WAY HE HAD, HE WOULD OF THOUGHT NOTHING OF DOING IT.
Her Choice / Dawn Harward (wife) "Her choice to die touches the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness and threatens the structures of meaning that affirm our own lives. Let us remember that no single act of desperation can define a life. No matter how stalked by pain, her life also had it's moments of delight and happiness, caring and friendship, sharing and love. Death by choice is not a denial of life; it is the cry of despair for more life. It grows from a deep personal alienation or profound suffering and is carried out alone, after a struggle within the self. "
- Sarah York (from her sermon during the memorial of a woman in her 40's who died by suicide)
Rider number 3353 / Dawn Harward (wife)
Just when I thought the light ahead of me could not get any brighter I received an email from one of the members of my online suicide support group, solo partners. I opened it and at first I was like horses, country music, ugh…. then I read the attached note and took the time to watch the video;
Hi everyone, A co-worker sent me this link to an amazing video (I think)! I detest country music and am scared of horses---but watching this compelled me to look up the lyrics of the song AND wish I knew how to ride a horse hmmm....maybe I’ll have to think about learning how!
It's a little off topic for this group but then again maybe it will make you stop and think as I did that I have spent a great deal of the last 2 years living as if I was already dead. Although I know at times it will be hard to do--I need to start living like I was dying instead.
I hope you all get as much from this as I did!
If you appreciate good horsemanship, you have to watch this.
Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms. Rhonda
Oh what I would of missed if I had presumed to know what was the content of the message. I thought of how many times we presume we know something when in fact we did not take the time to truthfully know. I remember an art teacher telling me that drawing is a way of seeing. I learned today that living is also a way of seeing it is called observation and mindfulness. I would of never know what I would of missed if I never looked at the video, but I will now think twice before I presume to know what was in in it for me. I painted abstracted desert flora for years in an effort to get the viewer to “see” the desert the way I saw it in all its magnificence.
I like most of my friends I sent it too went straight to, “oh, I already know that song or I will listen to it later, or I like horses”. Hey, I did it too, but something inside prompted me to give the email another look. I decided what the hell it wouldn’t hurt to look. I was mesmerized.
Up until a year ago I lived by the rodeo grounds and I lived on the parade route for the Lehi Roundup, the biggest event of the year. The town where I lived seemed more like a Norman Rockwell painting than a two-horse town somewhere in Utah. I got caught up in all the fanfare. I loved it! Well, that’s not 100% true, I loved everything but the rodeo, which of course is what all the fanfare, was about. The rodeo seemed kind of caveman to me and fraught with animal rights violations, but I do love a good party and of course the costumes.
Today mind you, I have a new perspective. It was as if it was the first time I had ever seen a rodeo event. I kept going back to the video each time thinking to myself that it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was if the horse was a ballerina and the rider and the horse were as one. The ballet was being performed to the song that originally thwarted my attention. I felt the pain and the triumph of the rider as she flawlessly choreographed her story into an amazing outward display of the pain and loss of someone she loved and it was also a tribute to being loved. She and the horse were as one. When she did not dismount from the horse at the end of her performance but instead chose to stand in such triumph over pain and with such hope and defiance I can’t even describe how I felt. I wanted to share to share with everyone the amazing thing that I had seen and experienced. That is why I sent everyone the link. I am so in awe that I still don’t even know what to do with what I have witnessed. Try seeing it thru my eyes.
My friends and family, I have never experienced something like this before. If you are one of those who dismissed yet another forwarded email and to top if off had a cowboy song you think you knew all about already, please take another look. Either I am crazy, which could happen or maybe you did not really “see” the video.
Yodawn…”there is no try, only do”..
Owen Wilson: On Understanding Suicide (and Attempts) / Dawn Harward (wife)Read >>
Owen Wilson: On Understanding Suicide (and Attempts) / Dawn Harward (wife)
Thursday August 30, 2007 Owen Wilson: On Understanding Suicide (and Attempts) "The human heart is exquisitely fragile," Catholic author and columnist Ron Rolheiser writes in his annual column on suicide. "Our judgments need to be gentle, our understanding deep, and our forgiveness wide." How timely as I read all the tabloid reports on Owen Wilson’s attempt to end his life.
"What triggered it?" is everyone’s first question, a query that has always annoyed me. As if his break-up with Kate Hudson was the rationale behind his slashed left wrist and stomach full of pills. Such justification is our way of staying out of it, of segregating ourselves from those who can’t handle messy breakups. By assigning pain to a specific event or circumstance, we can hypothetically remain immune to that hopelessness inherit to a suicide attempt. Because we’re not dating Kate Hudson. And if we were, surely a breakup wouldn't take us to that pathetic place ...
Rolheiser quotes the same verses of William Styron that I have in previous posts. But the words are wroth repeating because, in my opinion, the author of "Sophie's Choice" best articulates the agony and torment of suicidal depression. I often play the theme song of "Rocky" as I read it (not really), but his description has that affect:
The pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne. The prevention of many suicides will continue to be hindered until there is a general awareness of the nature of this pain. ... and for the tragic legion who are compelled to destroy themselves there should be no more reproof attached than to the victims of terminal cancer. ... What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this caldron, because there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion. The rest of Rolheiser’s column is enlightening, as well: Styron then describes graphically how the depressed person becomes obsessed with thoughts of oblivion: Any of the artifacts of my house had become potential devices for my own destruction: the attic rafters (and an outside maple or two) a means to hang myself, the garage a place to inhale carbon monoxide, the bathtub a vessel to receive the flow of my opened arteries. The kitchen knives in their drawers had but one purpose for me. Death by heart attack seemed particularly inviting, absolving me as it would of active responsibility, and I had toyed with the idea of self-induced pneumonia-a long, frigid, shirt-sleeved hike though the rainy woods. After reading virtually all the literature, medical and psychological, on the issue, Styron suggests the suicidal depression is, in the end, caused by chemical imbalance, despite the fact that other factors (lifestyle, childhood, moral values, memory) contribute. Modern sensitivities, he contends, make us reluctant to use old-fashioned words like madhouse, asylum, insanity, melancholia, lunatic, or madness, but "ever let it be doubted that depression, in its extreme form, is madness. The madness results from an aberrant biochemical process. It has been established with reasonable certainty (after strong resistance from many psychiatrists, and not all that long ago) that such madness is chemically induced amid the neurotransmitters of the brain, probably as a result of systemic stress, which for unknown reasons causes a depletion of the chemicals norespinephrine and serotonin, and the increase of a hormone, cortisal." Styron was one of the lucky ones. With his suicide already planned, he drew on some last gleam of sanity and, in that, realized that he could not commit this desecration on himself and his loved ones. He woke his sleeping wife and she drove him to a hospital. In its "safety" and given "seclusion and time" he healed. He lived on to tell this insider's story.
That insider's story has a double value: Not only should it help us to understand suicide more deeply and exorcise more of its shameful stigma, but, in helping to expose the anatomy of suicide, Styron gives us better tools to help others (and ourselves) in its prevention. Beyond that, a proper understanding of suicide should help us all walk more humbly and compassionately in grace and community, resisting the bias of the strong and unreflective who make the unfair judgment that people who are sick want to be that way.
When Someone Takes His Own Life / Dawn Harward (wife)Read >>
When Someone Takes His Own Life / Dawn Harward (wife)
When Someone Takes His Own Life by Norman Vincent Peale
In many ways, this seems to be the most tragic form of death. Often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind...
The Bible warns us not to judge, if we ourselves hope to escape judgment. And I believe that this is the one area that Biblical command especially should be heeded. For how do we know how many valiant battles such a person may have fought and won before he loses that one particular battle? And is it fair that all the good acts and impulses of such a person should be forgotten or blotted out by his final tragic act?
I think our reaction should be one of love and pity, not of condemnation. Perhaps the person was not thinking clearly in his final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at all. This is terribly sad. But surely it is understandable. All of us have moments when we lose control of ourselves, flashes of temper, or irritation, or selfishness that we later regret. Each one of us, probably, has a final breaking point - or would have if our faith did not sustain us. Life puts far more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others...
My heart goes out to those who are left behind, because I know they suffer terribly...The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt: "What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?" To such grieving persons I can only say, "Lift up your heads and your hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could. Remember, now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him, and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned."
A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Reverend West Stephens. What he said that day expresses far more eloquently than I can, the message that I'm trying to convey. Here are some of his words:
"Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!
"For one thing - he has won our admiration - because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for his family and friends...for all things beautiful, lovely, and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had. Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands."
Responsibility/ Dawn Harward (wife)
Responsibility The author of the following is unknown, but I think the words scream volumes that may help those who are feeling guilty.
Responsibility
I have a responsibility to those I love... to be loving, patient, considerate & kind; to be loyal, respectful & honest; to be appreciative, encouraging & comforting; to share myself & care for myself; To be the best possible "ME". BUT I am not responsible for them... not for their achievements, successes or triumphs; not for their joy, gratification or fulfillment; not for their defeats or failures or disappointments; not for their thoughts, choices or mistakes. And not for their suicide. For had I been responsible, this death would not have occurred Close
The Gift of Grief / Dawn Harward (wife)
The Gift of Grief
Death takes away. That's all there is to it.
But grief gives back.By experiencing it, we are not simply eroded by pain Rather, we become more compassionate, more aware, More able to help others, more able to help ourselves.
Grief is powerful. It plunges us into the depths of sorrow and forces us to face the finiteness of life, the mightiness of death, and the Meaning of our existence here on this earth.
It does more than enable us to change: it demands it. The way we change is up to us. It is possible to be forever bowed by grief. It is possible to be so afraid of one aspect of it that we become frozen in place, stuck in sorrow, riveted in resentment or remorse, unable to move on.
But it is also possible to be enlarged, to find new direction,
And to allow the memory of the beloved person who has died to live on within us... Not as a monument to misery,
But as a source of strength, love and inspiration.
By acting on our grief, we can eventually find within ourselves a place of peace and purposefulness. It is my belief that all grievers, no Matter how intense their pain, no matter how rough the terrain across which they must travel, can eventually find that place within their hearts.
Suicide Memorial Wall / Dawn Harward (wife)Read >>
Suicide Memorial Wall / Dawn Harward (wife)
http://www.suicidememorialwall.com/ Close
Memorial Photo website of Jeff's Garden In Lehi, Utah. / Joe Seamone (Close Friend )Read >>
Memorial Photo website of Jeff's Garden In Lehi, Utah. / Joe Seamone (Close Friend )
http://bocajoe.smugmug.com/gallery/3322499#184890382
Some of these photos were taken by Boca Joe and the remainder where taken by Jeff. These were photos that were shared with the Tropicult, and online tropical plant group.
Jeff greatly enjoyed his relationship with all of these men and he admired and respected them. The members of the tropicult have been very supportive to our family thru this difficult time and we love them as Jeff did. Close
Memorial tribute from the Tropicult / Boca Joe Seamone (Friend from Tropicult )Read >>
Memorial tribute from the Tropicult / Boca Joe Seamone (Friend from Tropicult )
This is from Boca Joe and all Jeff's Buddies in the Tropicult an online tropical gardening club. Boca read this poem at Jeff's memorial last year. (2006) He asked me to read it again this year at the memorial I had here in Tucson on the anniversary of his death which was held for all of his friends in Tucson who were not afforded the opportunity to attend his memorial last year.
How Big Is a Heart? > > How big is a heart? I'll look and see. > It must be high. Mine holds a tree. > A redwood tree, whose silent might > Calmed my fears through an angry night. > It's higher still, there's a snow capped peak > That the urge of youth , once bade me seek. > There's a small blue star in a vast blue sky. > Did you know that a heart could be so high? > > How big is a heart? It must be wide. > Mine holds my home and the country side > Where I was born. It must be deep. > Here are the graves where dead years sleep. > It must be broad and it must be long > To hold the dear and treasured throng > Of friends of every age and race. > Yet it occupies such a puny place. > Yet when its limits are unfurled > A human heart , can hold the world >
At opposite ends / Doug Nielsen (Borther in law )Read >>
At opposite ends / Doug Nielsen (Borther in law )
In many ways, Jeff and I were as opposite as any two people can be. I am loud and opinionated. Don't believe me, just ask me and I will tell you. Our official religious leanings were opposite, our political philosophies at different ends of the spectrum, and he had lots of hair while my head resembles the proverbial chrome dome.
But there in the middle we shared an intense love and respect for the natural world and the peace and solace that can be found only there. I'm a hunter and an angler. Jeff was neither, but that didn't matter.
One of my fond memories of Jeff is of an afternoon we spent together hiking in the desert of Southern Utah. There, like someone had carefully placed it for us to see, was a perfectly formed arrowhead. Not far from my home are some beautiful collections of petroglyphs that I hoped to one day share with him. Perhaps in another time and place.
Jeff, though we didn't spend unending hours together, I always enjoyed the chance we had to talk of natural things.
I am the Shaman / Dawn (wife)
To everyone who loved Jeff and there are many people who loved him, he was a gentle spirit, who belonged in another time and space. He was "the shaman." He was a muscian, a poet, he was never a hunter. In a more primordial time he would of been the medicine man. His love of natural energy (physics) led him down the path of self destruction. He followed it right into the corporate world where his spiritual nature was snuffed out. This is where the soul dies and the act of suicide becomes a means of ending the life of the body. This also explains why he said, "I feel like a dead man walking." Jeff felt trapped in a cage of his own making and he could not see a way out because he was so depressed.
Jeff loved his family and Jeff loved me. He loved his friends, of which he had many. He loved life. especially plant life, where he could control the results and witness the miracle of life everyday. Jeff fought like hell to live! He tried everything. His desparate use of his tarot cards near the end of his life tells me that he was trying to save himself. It had worked before. He went down kicking and screaming. He was just so tired and he felt weak(his words not mine). He just could not hold back the dark side any longer. Looking back I witnessed many occassions where he successfully won the battle but ultimately he lost the war.
There are those out there who would argue my truth and its ok. I console myself with the fact that I lived with him for nearly 30 years and I stood beside him through thick and thin. As he did me. He told me himself that I knew him better than anyone else, which in the end, is all I have. I have thought to myself, if I knew him so well, then no one really knew him. Does anyone really know anybody? The best part is...I have three children who are a living testiment to the love that we shared and no one can take that away.
With the anniversary of Jeff's completed suicide upon us, I would urge you to remember what is really important in life. If you have been at work 14 hours today, go home and tell your family you love them. If you have sacrificed your soul to the corporate world, take back your life. Remember why you go to work. We should work to live not live to work. Go ride your bike, enjoy nature and laugh with your friends. A happy joyful life is one that is balanced between mind, body and spirit. Too much of one and not enough of another is is essentially a flat. When you think of Jeff in the coming days stop and feel the wind on your face and listen for the words "I am a shaman". I am going to release some of his ashes from Windy Point up Mt Lemmon, AZ . A fitting ending to a great love story. We stood many times at Windy Point dreaming or our life together and all the wonderful things to come. And come they did. It now seems a perfect ending to bring our life together, a full circle, to where we began, Tucson, Az, Sept 20th, 1980.
We walk in shadows all of our days But there can be no shadows without a sun. And life will continue to challenge and taunt Until our life's work is done. Each of us are here for a purpose Though none know what it might be. Just think of the celebration When finally we are free !
Watch the butterflies as they flutter From Hollyhock to the rose In search of a blossom's perfection On a journey that each of them knows. As their wings lift them up to the heavens Know our spirits will rise on the wind And the journey is only beginning. There is no such thing as an end.
To Dawn and your family / Karen Ritacca (survivor of 2 suicides )Read >>
To Dawn and your family / Karen Ritacca (survivor of 2 suicides )
This is beautiful, You made him very happy, from all the pictures I could tell. We will your be your family and help you through this journey of pain and healing. Please remember the love and the happiness, the rest was his sickness and his disease and wasn't who he was. Close
A Memorial Day Tribute / Rosemary Sis Of ^j^ Alvin Cremeans Read >>
A Memorial Day Tribute / Rosemary Sis Of ^j^ Alvin Cremeans
What a beautiful tribute you have made for your husband. I am so very sorry for your loss and I will keep you and your children in my thoughts and prayers. Jeff will never be forgotten. Rosemary sis of ^j^ Alvin Cremeans xoxo
I absolutely adored Jeff. He was the love of my life. He was the first man who ever treated me with love, compassion and respect. I loved him from the moment he showed up on my front porch with salmon colored roses. (planned results....smile)
When I met Jeff, he was in a band, he was such a rock star. He exuded self confidence and he had the look. He could of had any girl he wanted but he picked me. I could not believe my good fortune. He was so intelligent. He knew about so many things. There was never a dull conversation. Half the time...well maybe most the time it was way over my head. I learned so much from him. He used to say he knew a little about a lot of things, but that was not true he knew a lot about everything. He was an avid reader and as a result I became one too. He played the piano, guitar and the flute. I loved that he was a musician, but I was never a groupee, unless you call hanging off every big word that came out of his mouth a groupee. Jeff had an amazing command of language and he loved very precise words.
Jeff was a perfectionist. He never did anything half-way. It was all or nothing. Jeff never finished college, but he went on to have a much coveted career. He used books to learn almost everything and after the advent of the internet there was no stopping him. I used to tell him he was like that little robot called number 5, the one that needed "imput". Jeff had the IQ of a genius. He would never tell anyone the score, but I know it.
He always brought me fresh hot coffee to me in bed the entire time we were together. He would wake me up, fluff up my pillows and give me my coffee and the paper. He also supported me with my art career and put up with my cats. He had a really good work ethic. He also was a family man who loved his family and he gave all he had to those who he loved, oh and a few bums on the street from time to time. He built backdrops, he set up art shows, he paid for travel art workshops, I dragged him into unpaid duties with the many civic and community projects that I volunteered for. He always stood behind me and was content to let me be the front man, but truth is, I could not of done any of it without his support. He used to say that helping me with my art education was the least he could do afterall I took full charge of the home and family. It gave me a much needed break and he always killed the kids with fun while I was away. The kids looked forward to my leaving because they had their dads undivided attention.
Jeff lost his lifelong battle to live, to mental illness. He had an official diagnosis of major depressive disorder with suicidal ideation. Home and family kept him grounded. When he went to San Diego, he began self medicating with alcohol to deal with his loneliness, this turned out to be a deadly combination.
As hard as it is to live with the result of a terminal illness, I hope Jeff finally found the peace that so eluded him in life. He just got tired, so very tired. He said to me once not long before he died, that he felt wounded, I asked him what he meant. He said, he did not know for sure, but that his friend Jack described him as a dead man walking, he told me, "that is exactly the way I feel".
What a tragic end to a life well lived. If there is a heaven....I know he is there...he earned it. He was a very good man, a VERY good man.
"Live a good life, and in the end, it is not the years in the life but the life in the years."
Life is Fragile / Bob Trumpet (Co worker )
Monday, July 17, 2006
Life is fragile Current mood: sad
... today ... was a sad day ...
... today ... one of my fellow coworkers / colleages / friends ... had given up on life.
At 1am this morning my friend was found in his office after suffocating himself to death. All I can ask is ... what drives a man sooo far? What causes a man to lose all hope in life? Where was his family and close friends ... were they not there for him in such a crisis? Does a man truly feel that he is so alone in this world ... that nobody will hear his pain ... his agony?
What does it mean to be happy anyways? How do you define happiness? The problem is ... without sadness you can not explain happiness. You need depression and agony to really understand the true meaning of joy and bliss. There is a balance to life ... we just need to open our eyes and not deny ourselves the truth ...... love and happiness ... will come again.
We hold our lives in our own hands ... not because we have the power to take it away ... but ... because we have the power to seek out the hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Goodbye Jeff Harward ... you will be missed. My only regret is I couldn't have been there for you, when you needed somebody the most.
Cheers - Bob
Hi Bob,
This is Jeff's wife. I just came across your blog..
It was beautifully written and well thought out.
I am sorry for your loss and your pain.
We tried very hard to be there for him...but he had shut us out. He had suffered from major depressive disorder with suicidal ideation all of his life. I should of never let him convince me to let him move to CA and be alone. I was to follow him out, but he kept saying that it was too expensive. He hid his suffering and his efforts to feel better from all of us. I knew he was suicidal for sure in December of 2005. He threatened again in April. My daughter kept him on the phone while I had the SD police looking for him. He had been at the office but they could not find him. I guess he was in the gardens. The week before he took his life, I had told him I was going to let people at work know he was in trouble because no one knew and we were all scared for him. That was the turning point.
Jeff had a family and a group of very old friends who loved and adored him. We had been begging him to get help and/or home for a long time. Jeff actually purchased the equiptment to take his life in December 2004.
My girls and I are doing the "Out of the Darkness Walk" for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention in Minneapolis in Sept. We are looking for sponsors and/or anyone who would like to walk with us.
As the anniversary of Jeff's death approaches maybe you can pass this info on to others at Sony.
Date: Jun 6, 2007 10:15 AM
Dear Dawn,
Thank you for your wonderful yet very sad comment to my blog. It was so hard for any of us here at Sony to think Jeff would have thought about those things or would have even made a commitment to act upon them. I knew he was divorced, and moved away from his close family and friends ... but he always seemed to have this dry humor, pleasant mellow attitude here at work. He always put a smile on face during our meetings ... and I miss that.
I hope it didn't sound like I was blaming his family and friends for not being there. I guess sometimes we don't want to listen to the people closest to us. We do it all the time ... when a friend tell us something is bad for us, we do it anyways. And I guess for this case like you said ... he had made up his mind a long time ago that he was past being saved ... that's what really makes me sad ... and angry too. I only wish I could have known. I would have walked right into his office and smacked him! and said, "Wake up! Snap out of your funk!" ... there's more to life then wallowing in your own misery.
There are two ways to look at any situation we encounter in life ... we can either actively choose to let it bring us down and make us sad, miserable, regretful ... or ... we can choose to look on the brighter side and see that there is good in any situation ... to learn from it and move on with the simple act of living.
Please don't apologize for my loss and pain of a good friend ... It is I who should be apologizing to you for the loss of a good husband, father, and friend to many. He will be missed, but life always moves forward to bring us more blue skies.
Send my regards to the rest of the family. I can only hope the next month will fly right on by :).
Letter from Dawn to Jeff in June 2006 / Dawn (wife)Read >>
Letter from Dawn to Jeff in June 2006 / Dawn (wife)
This letter was read at Jeff's memoral service in 2006. The letter was a result of a conversation Jeff and I had about feeling tired, hopeless and of course his need for peace.
The letter was read by Kaley Harward wife of Jeff's son, Jason Harward. Jason and Kaley gifted Jeff with four grandchildren; Jeffrey, Bradley, Alexia and Connor.
June 17th, 2006
I am sitting on the the front porch of our home with my morning cup of coffee. It's so beautiful this time of day when the light makes the garden seem like it is glowing. Everywhere I look I see the loving touch of those small hard working hands that I have always loved to touch. This garden isn't like any other garden, I know that not just because people tell me so, but because I know the man who created it. This beautiful and peaceful garden is a living monument to the cycle of life and the wonder and majick of it all. It's no surprise that people stop and gaze at the beautiful display of colors and textures, because they too know that this is no ordinary garden.
I remember standing on our front porch with your drawings in hand, pointing out where and how everything was going to go. Now here it is, Jeff's peace garden, just as it appeared in those drawings so long ago.
I have been following the drip system upon the porch with my eyes, and it makes me smile, that is soooo you. All the handmade hooks and ties so neatly wound. I picture in my mind those baskets of flowers hanging there and the fragrance of life, I miss that.
Now I see the lantern. I also see a trip to Disneyland where the lantern was just an idea. Now look at it! It is the most realistic aartificial candle light out there, hanging on our porch! You know, it's not just a lantern, it's a tribute to your fasicnation with energy and the love of the unseen yet unknown. I look at the twisted rope so carefully wrapped and think....that is how he does everything, and I smile.
One last look before I start my day, I must keep this garden for the one I love. I see the lantana, kind of a ordinary plant, I don't know why he loves it so, but he does. It gives him all sorts of trouble, but he continues to take care of it. Right now it looks as if it could use his love and attention. I know that if he were to come home and tend to it, it will be healthy and strong -
Dawn
After Jeff read this letter, he told me that Auriel loved that plant because it looked like little snow cones. He loved it because Auriel loved it.
The lantern on our front porch was the first one he completed and one of many he gave away. When he called me after reading this letter he told me that the rope on the lantern at the house was the best one he had done. He had unwrapped the rope and rewrapped it around the lantern cord. He compared himself to the rope, he said " that is what I need to do with my life, unwrap and then rewrap it ".
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